Richard Pryor

This morning as I was scanning my news feed on FB I realized that I have SOOOO much to write about but most of it must remain contained for self-preservation. If I were to really haul off and rant on this blog the way I rant in my head every single day I would likely really piss some people off. In my mind it seems like comedy, an error of comedies really.

I happen to swear A LOT and yes, I realize this does not shock many of you and yes, I realize that swearing is a sure sign of ignorance since my mind cannot wrap itself around intelligent words in place of the MANY cuss words I choose to use instead. I do have a filter and use it regularly. In my profession I must, at home I must, at most every family function I must, in front of my father (most days) I must, etc, etc, etc. I do have SOME respectable qualities. Most of my respectable qualities are glued firmly in place with my mother's words from the MN State Fair after witnessing two teenagers groping, practically dry humping on the curb..."Rachel, honey there is a time and a place for everything...don't ever forget that!" I never have.

When I choose to swear I can hear in my mind the times when I was a child and Richard Pryor would be on TV for some stand up routine or another (this was RIGHT after cable TV came out) and every other word was profane. I remember clear as a bell my mother's words "That is just filth, that man has nothing funny to say, it's all just filth!" Ahhhh...yes mother, wouldn't you be proud of your baby girl now since I think the word FUCK is just so fulfilling to say sometimes! It really serves so many purposes on any given day!

So, beyond inappropriate language are my thoughts of "Holy Shitballs! Some people are the whiniest, Debbie downer, no social filter, incredibly strange people!" Why then, do you ask, are they my friends on FB? Well...you ALL know how that goes! You don't unfriend someone from FB without the backlash of hell that comes with it. If you can easily do it without anyone noticing because they weren't really anyone that should have been on there to begin with...well, that's no problem. If they are someone that would absolutely notice...it's just taboo! This whole social network etiquette thing has got me losing my mind!

I am quite sorry you aren't feeling well, friend and that you're husband lost his job and is looking...networking is great in my opinion. Lord how I can relate that your kids are making you crazy today and the baby was up all night. I empathize with your insomnia and how much you detest Monday mornings. Work is overwhelming and I will always pray for you whenever you ask and for whatever you ask. However, while eating my Cheerios and perusing FB I don't really feel so good knowing that you have been shitting your brains out and puking everywhere for days on end. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I am sorry that you have ended a relationship and I will be there to encourage you because I honestly care when people aren't having an easy time. You, hey you! Over there in FB land...I don't need to know that you did the walk of shame this morning after suffering a small lapse of drunken black out last night! WOW! Aren't you like 40 now? I don't need to know you are suffering from cramps, etc. I enjoy your drunken pictures where you look as though you've pissed yourself and are having epileptic seizures when in reality it was your b-day and you were just out for a "Great birthday last night! Had SO much fun! Thanks to all my peeps!" Holy moly rocky...the funny shit I can pull from FB every morning at 6:00 a.m. to get me feeling pretty good about my day ahead.

My disclaimer of course is that I have posted crazy, stupid, depressing, unfiltered, raging, loonatic type status updates as well. If you should choose to shove them down my throat after reading this blog...try and remember...this is just my FOR FUN writing. It's not meant for any one person, I do not call people out in a subtle manner such as this...I come direct with that shit! Have a laugh...enjoy the read and don't get your undies in a bunch!

The Dinner Table

Sometimes our dinner table resembles a group of special needs children as so gently pointed out by my husband last night after the kids had cleared out.

The night was a little hurried in that we had school conferences and needed to get supper in before the hustle to get to school, talk to teachers, pick up fundraiser purchases and then get another child off to dance lessons.

I need to give you a little preliminary on our kids before I tell you Dan's description of the scene at our table. First, there is Tori who is generally stuffed up even after removal of tonsils and adenoids years ago, this makes it nearly impossible to chew with her mouth closed. Then there is Morgan and she has been sniffling almost non-stop for the past month and a half, this seems to be a nervous habit rather than just a cold creeping in. Libby just simply doesn't eat and it is a battle over whether or not she will try something that I've made that night.  Then there is Nick who we darn near have to tie to the chair to keep him sitting and he makes noise non-stop and not just the cute little four-year-old noise but annoying airplane, gun shooting, repetitive noise that is sometimes accompanied by him swaying his body side-to-side until he almost falls off the chair or in circular motion until we're all ready to throw up. Danny...well he refuses to sit in his high chair these days so when we put him at the table with everyone else he is up, down, up down, up down and I can't imagine where he learns his crazy table manners from. When he does actually eat, half the food just lands on the chair or floor. Sometimes he just throws his body up on the table so he can reach the fruit bowl or whatever else he wants that we've moved just out of his reach. Last night he tossed the salad in the bowl for the entire meal. He would scream like an animal being tortured if we took the bowl to dish up some salad.

So after dinner was over Dan looks at me, totally defeated and he says "Do you ever think our dinner table resembles the short bus?" (Disclaimer: We know this is a totally inappropriate and asshole comparison...I KNOW it sounds mean but we have great love for the mentally challenged).

I laugh and ask him what he means...he then says while pointing to each kids empty chair..."This one here chews like this (mimics a cow chewing it's cud), that one there is constantly (sniffles extremely loud), then there's that one and he's all (rolls his body in a circle and makes some insane noise) and then there's that one (gets down and then up and then stirs the salad left in the bowl). Then there is this one (makes a few circles on his plate with his fork which made a horrific noise). He looked at me with so much seriousness that I couldn't help but break down laughing.

Many nights this is how it is at our house. The kids are loud, they are unique in their good and their annoying ways. I love every minute of it but somedays it just simply feels...well...CRAZY!

Thank God we can laugh about it.

Times They Are a Changin'

I can't quite express the swelling of grief this morning that has arisen simply because of a change in the Caringbridge "set up".

Obviously as time moves on technology changes and becomes faster, "easier" and more appropriate for the times. In this case it has brought an extreme amount of sadness that in fact time is moving forward when I still feel stuck in time.

Since Maryah's diagnosis in 2004 we have viewed many friend's CB pages and have noticed the change in format and it was inevitable that this would be the permanent change. It simply reinforces the permanancy of her absence today.

This is a reflection of the many changing emotions during my days. Some days you simply go with the flow and other days you come to a screeching hault when you realize "Holy cow...forever? Really? It has to be forever?" Those moments are hard to hurdle most days and take me down almost every time. It means nothing how extremely productive or motivated I was just the moment before that thought hit...it's done...gone and over. I can no longer function past the pain in my chest that comes each time I think that she won't be calling me today to say "I love you, Mom". These are the days when I yell at Him and want answers..."WHY? How could you take my mother and my daughter? HOW could you let me hurt this deeply again and expect me to live through it." I find myself negotiating with God during these moments "I will do anything you need from me, I will serve you every moment of my life if you will just insure that my passing comes before anyone else I love". I am sure that sounds ridiculous but nothing about grief seems sane quite honestly. Sometimes after my logic returns I remember that God's Grace is His gift to me no matter what I do or don't do to please Him. Thank you God! If it weren't for your Grace...well...who knows where I would be today.

I wish time would stand still for me, for all of us that grieve Maryah's loss and the loss of our other loved ones. I wish that some days we could just stand still, all of us and simply relish in the memories of peaceful and joyous times.

As I am studying with Morgan for an upcoming Science test this week, we are reading about the different types of motion one type of motion is constant motion and on this Earth, in this world we are in constant motion. It will not stop just because our mind tells us it should. Our hearts are in constant motion even when they feel completely broken. Then there is variable motion which slows down, speeds up, turns right and left, forward and backward and although the world I am on is in constant motion...I am in variable motion and they seem to resist each other at times.

The expectation that grief begins to lessen after a year or so...is not a realistic expectation when you have lost your child. The grief is as strong as it's ever been. Unlike the Caringbridge format...that will not change.

Parenthood (part 2 of 1 billion)

Do you ever just get to a point where you honestly can’t take it anymore? You just throw your hands up and say “whatever happens it will happen without my help!”

I am there today! I am there and have been visiting for a while now. Just how many times do you have to ask those that are part of a family unit to take part in the tasks that are required to keep the household running smoothly? I am unsure how many times I can ask “can you feed the dog?”, can you turn your socks and clothes right side out before you bring them to the laundry?”, “can you pick up after yourself?”, “can you keep your bedroom clean for longer than five minutes?” “can you walk the dog?”, “can you let the dog out/in?” This is just the litany of things that happens within 15 minutes of any given day. This includes my wonderful, hard-working, husband most days. While I am not at my outside job taking care of over 150 people and their daily problems I am at home running children from home to dance, dance to home, home to chiropractor, chiropractor to home. This includes time in between my hours of driving to help with homework, reminders to read and calling out weekly spelling words while attempting to stand over the stove to cook a nutritious meal that some of the children curl their nose at or say “gross” or “I don’t like that” or just slyly push it around, attempting to make it look like they’ve eaten it while they wait for the moment they think I’m not looking and run to the trash to clear their plate. They will however swarm and treat me like the goddess of all mothers if I mention a treat, dessert, some other fat filled, sugar filled morsel.

Why would this be so upsetting you ask? They’re children you say? Yes, they are they are children of many dynamics. I have one child missing from our lives, which is a minute-to-minute struggle for me. I have a child who struggles with that almost equally to me and on top of that she talks incessantly because she is a child who has had no choice but to become part of two large families with many children in each and craves one-on-one attention with every ounce of her being from. Then there are my step-daughters who have many issues to deal with since when they have no choice but to travel to their other parent’s house where they deal with alcoholism, erratic behavior and in turn act out, are depressed at times and I find myself working daily to help with these issues since the Court system certainly won’t help us. Thank you Washington County!

Then there are these two boys and they are busy, loud and seemingly have an endless supply of energy, which causes them to run circles around me as I get older and a little less agile.  I have no idea how I might continue to keep up with them as I continue to get older. I better start a serious weight training, exercise regime very soon.

I find myself spending every moment of every day cleaning, cooking, cleaning some more, helping children with every single little thing they either can’t do or just to “carefree” to do. I am trying to maintain friendships and can’t seem to find the time to even do that. A phone call…yeah right, not unless it’s during my 30 minute drive to or from work when I might actually be able to hear you and have a meaningful conversation. Forgive me if I’ve ever called you and just unloaded all that’s going on in MY life only to forego what might be going on in yours because…well….I only had 30 minutes to even talk on the phone and I HAD to tell someone about the craziness that is my day-to-day life. I promise on my next 30 minute drive I would LOVE to hear about your craziness. I am unsure how to help others when I feel I cannot even help myself at the moment. I wish I could come up with some magic manual to help parents of large families to feel like they don’t need to rip their hair out of their head and to let go of the frustrations that are sure to come.

Please don’t get me wrong there are many moments that bring smiles and joy and happiness also. There are many rewards all though some days they are few and far in between. The greatest reward for me has always been that I am serving God and I am humbled to do so. It keeps my head up and keeps me from Thelma and Louise’ing it on the days that bring ulcers and tears.

I always wondered what I would do with my life when I grew up. I can answer now…I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a cousin, a niece, an auntie, a Human Resource Director, a nurse, a boo-boo fixer, a hugger, a taxi cab driver, a dog trainer, a maid, a lawyer, a secretary, a teacher, a trainer, a chef, a…well I could fill the rest of the page with this list but you get it.

This is a small insight into the very private corners of my brain. Anyone can share and make life seem “just dandy” but many days it is not. Many days it is hard, it is challenging and it brings me to my knees in tears. I fail daily, I succeed sometimes, I make mistake after mistake after mistake and I try to keep learning. I am not sure that it will ever change.

On a daily basis my range of emotions includes, grief, happiness, joy, fear, love, sad, angry, hurt, embarrassed, proud, hopeful, compassionate, empathetic, despair. This likely doesn’t even cover it all but it’s a good start.

I hope that I am not the only woman that feels this way, I hope that this isn’t completely off –the-wall but then again I guess I don’t worry too much that I am because we are all unique and this is a tad bit of my unique mind and heart.

I wish it could all be glorious, all the time but this is the truth of it all. I try not to worry too much because I know at the end of they day that all of this is a blessing in some way or another and it is part of my life’s plan. I just wish God didn’t trust me so much some times. 

Random Thoughts From the Deep Blue Yonder

I have been so busy that I haven't been able to find a minute to write anything other than documents at work and math and science problems with my fifth and third graders. It's amazing how I feel this twinge to just write after so long and write anything...
So I've decided that today is the day for my random thoughts that have been swirling through my head over the past months.

1. I love coffee on Saturday mornings with my husband.
2. I love watching my kids dance.
3. I am tired alot and losing my hair so I think I better check my thyroid.
4. I think I better try eating better and excercising so maybe I won't lose my hair and feel sleepy all the time.
5. I am rather bitter about seeing so much pink when I really wish their was much more gold. Children get cancer and die too.
6. I am suddenly nervous to talk in front of large groups.
7. I'm kind of a loner and I like it.
8. I wish I was a better friend and that it could be as easy for me as it seems for others.
9. I don't NEED money but it sure makes life easier so I play the lottery.
10. I pray A LOT! I should be more thankful rather than always asking.
11. I hate texting.
12. I hate talking on the phone until I actually am talking on the phone with someone and then I don't mind so much.
13. I love my sister and brother like crazy.
14. I wonder what Maryah's wedding would have been like?
15. I wonder what life would be like today if she never died?
16. Every year I think I will be more organized and do something better next year but that never seems to happen.
17. Sometimes I think I let my brain get lazy and my body keeps following.
18. Boys are gross.
19. Boys are gross. (It deserves two lines)
20. My husband is seriously talented in SO many areas. I'm a little jealous.
21. I know how to change brake pads, a thermal couple on a water heater and how to light a pilot light amongst other household duties because of my Dad. I am grateful he has taught me useful things.
22. I really dislike most all sports, particularly watching them on TV.
23. They really don't consider dancing a sport for college purposes?
24. My kids think I am a maid and most days I feel totally under appreciated.
25. I love my kids madly even when they don't appreciate how easy life is for them.
26. I wonder if I will live to be old? If I do I hope I don't know what's going on.
27. Soon, all of my grandparents will be gone. Dementia is a horrible disease.
28. Cancer is worse.
29. I love all things fall.
30. I wish that some friendships wouldn't have to turn awkward.
31. I really dislike meetings.
32. I would love to get married to Dan all over again.
33. I wish there was time for Dan and I to go on dates once a week so we never forget why we started dating to begin with.
34. Getting old is hell
35. I can hardly believe 36 is only a couple of weeks away, officially closer to forty now. LOL. Love it.
36. I'm not as close to 40 as some. LMAO. Love it more!
37. I am grateful for all of my nieces and nephews and our close relationships.
38. I wish I was either short enough for petite pants or tall enough for average pants because I'm right in between and it sucks.
39. I wish I could kill at playing piano. Why did I ever stop taking lessons?
40. Life is too short and somedays it all feels much too long.

This is really all of the craziness I have to offer for now but I am sure I will post a "real" post soon.

Baked Ravioli (from the Kitchen of Ann K)

Baked Ravioli

What you need:
1         9x13 pan
1         package of rosetta ravioli (any flavor you like)
1         20 oz jar of spaghetti sauce
1         (medium size) tub of cottage cheese
1         4 cup bag of mozzarella shredded cheese

Cook the ravioli in as directed. drain
Spread 1/4 cup (or eyeball it) of spaghetti sauce on the bottom of the pan
Spread a layer of ravioli
Then a layer of cottage cheese
Then the mozzarella
Then repeat until all ingredients are used.

Bake for 30 minutes at 350.  (isn't everything baked at 350?)

Serve with a Caesar salad and I pick up the Texas Toast with 4 cheeses.

Parenthood (part 1 of 1 billion)

Yesterday at the dinner table I found myself a little overwhelmed. This happens sometimes when I allow myself to really think about the day-to-day responsibilities that Dan and I have as parents.

When I began this journey into motherhood I realized that I wanted my child (then just one) to feel that they really had no worries other than doing well in school, getting homework done, picking out what to wear and some fun activities that would keep them moving and healthy and overall just being a kid. This meant that I would be responsible for laundry, cleaning, planning and cooking healthy/balanced meals, cleaning up after meals, making and keeping appointments, driving all over God's creation to bring them to appointments and activities most every day of the week. Parenting also includes the opportunity to hang out with the kids for family time to help teach them that it's actually ok and pretty fun to hang out with your family. So...we dedicate every waking minute of our days to the kids and somewhere in between we find time to work so we can pay the bills and sleep.

Recently I have been having a mental block when it comes to menu planning which then makes cooking far less fun for me. If I don't have a plan for dinner than my day gets a little chaotic. A menu allows me to plan what to thaw, cook ahead and what I need to do immediately when I get home from work to get things going so we eat at a reasonable hour. I know it sounds like strategic planning for special ops and maybe I am feeling a little dramatic about it all but...again, feeling a little overwhelmed. I have one child who wants to eat nothing but fried, fast, fat filled and preservative filled foods. I can't seem to change this no matter how hard I try. I have consulted nutritionists, pediatricians and the like. I know all about the division of responsibility when it comes to providing the healthy/balanced foods and let her making her own choices but hey, what the heck do you do when she chooses NOTHING and just simply won't eat? I figure...well, she'll be starving and she'll have to eat but noooooo...she won't eat anything unless it's a quick and easy night and we're having take-and-bake pizza or if there is bread with dinner or some fruits.
It gets hard to keep "sneaking" veggies into things when she won't even eat the things I "sneak" them into.

This is the part that has gotten me overwhelmed as a parent. We work hard to make sure that our children have no worries and that they simply have to do a few weekly chores and occasionally feed/water the dog and let her outside after she has been whining at the door for awhile. We sit to the table after I have spent a LOT of time on dinner only to have one (or three) children push their food around on their plate and eat nothing only to ask for something else. Now, I will not prepare a second meal for these children, they now have a choice between yogurt, fruit or a bowl of cereal that they must get themselves. Am I the only person who is going crazy because of this behavior?

I feel like such a horrible mom when I get overwhelmed and wonder what is wrong with me that I can't do it all and do it all with a smile on my face all the time?

I realize that having all of these children wasn't supposed to be easy and if my mother were alive she would tell me "Rachel, no one ever promised you fair!" These things ring through my mind regularly but  I sure wish it felt a little easier some days, not that I want someone to do it for me but rather I just want it to come a little easier for me all the time!

As I sit here and take time to do one thing that makes me happy (blogging) that takes time away from the family I have one child behind me hurrying me a long so she can check her e-mail. Ugh! I guess some day I'll figure it all out and by then they will all be moved out and have children of their own (THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS!!!!!!!).

So onward towards another day of motherhood! Tonight I am making pigs in a blanket with tater tots so EVERYONE will eat. YUCK! I'll throw a salad and some fruit in to make me happy!

Happy parenting!

Cream of Refridgerator Soup - From the Kitchen of Elaine Allen

Presuming that you have some vegetable stock sitting in your fridge  (sometimes I'll just add bullion to water if I don't have stock), start by warming it over medium heat in a LARGE pot.
make a roux: In a seperate sauce pan, cook flour in fat ( butter or olive oil), garlic, and as much as 1/4 cup diced
onion for each 2 cups of liquid you will be using. Add a little leftover white wine to a roux that has been cooking a few minutes;mind the steam.  add the roux mixture to the stock.This will thicken up the stock so that it looks and tastes creamy. ( IF by some chance the stock doesn't thicken up enough, I will look for left over cooked potatoes and blenderize with some stock to then add to thicken the soup.) Both methods will make the CREAM OF part of this soup.
check for seasoning: a little Tabasco and white pepper would be lovely;wait to add salt until close to serving. To finish this soup, open refrig and pull out  cut up chicken or sausage or ham, add some beans, any kind of vegies , noodles..whatever your family will tolerate in a soup.This is your moment to shine and experiment.
Keep the heat under control so the soup doesn't boil.  Taste and add salt.   This will go great with grilled cheese sandwiches, your refrig will have less things in it to spoil and you will have served a good meal that saved a few pennies.

From the Kitchen of Joanne Martinson

   PIZZA BURGERS

1 lb. hamburger

1 can tomato soup

1/2 can water

oregano to taste

4 cup bag pre-shredded mozzarella cheese 

hamburger buns (or choice)

~Brown hamberger in fry pan, drain excess grease. Add tomato soup, water, and

oregano. Mix together on low heat, and add a handful of the mozzarella cheese.

Open buns and place onto cookie sheet (for this amount, a bag of 8 is enough).

Spoon enough meat mixture on top of each 1/2, and top with cheese. I am very

generous with cheese, as I love them gooey!

Bake at 350 degrees for 10-15 minutes or until just golden.

                                                      SLOPPY JOES

1 lb. hamburger

chopped onion

1 can tomato soup

ketchup

mustard

1 tsp. vinegar

hamburger buns

~Brown hamburger with onion, drain excess grease. Add tomato soup, squirt of 

ketchup and mustard to desires taste. Add vinegar, and serve.

                           ****These recipes can be doubled or tripled according to # of

         people eating.****

The Same Ol' Cracker...

Growing up I remember that the ladies in my family all really knew how to cook wonderful meals and I mean cook! I must preface the remainder of the story with the reality of my family. While growing up most all the women stayed home while the men worked outside of the home. The women were responsible for cooking, cleaning, making appointments, and the small people running around their homes. This is likely where I got my warped sense that my husband should manage all vehicle issues, outdoor work and I will handle the indoor work and appointments for children, etc. This also includes cooking for the family!

With all of that said I have absolutely NO idea how my mother or any of the other women in my family figured out how to make good meals that the kids enjoyed and kept up a good variety. I feel like I am making the same meals over and over and over again and soon the family is going to notice and there will be a mutany.

I work outside of the home, I have little to no energy when I return home...oh hell, even on days I don't work I don't have much energy to cook and do all the other stuff necessary. I really don't ever feel like cooking but child protective services would prefer I not starve my children! Recently I've started writing out a menu for a week and then grocery shopping specifcally for that menu. It not only saves my sanity when I know what I'm making and what I need to thaw while I am at work or the night before but it also saves us money to only get what is needed from the grocery store.

It wasn't until just a couple of days ago I e-mailed my childhood friend, Carrie and asked her what types of things she makes for her family for dinner. Carrie's mother and mine were dear friends for a very long time and very frequently cooked the same types of really yummy dinners. Eating at Carries was always just as good as Mom's cooking at home and even better during Lent (I used to be Catholic) when we didn't eat meat on Fridays and if you were lucky enough for an invite to dinner when they were serving waffles with ice cream! YUMMO!

So...Carrie makes a lot of similar meals but there has to be some different things that I just can't think of so I e-mailed her and then we talked about sharing our recipes through a weekly exchange. Then it dawned on me that I have this great recipe section on here where we can all share recipes! I would just ask that if you have a great recipe that your family loves that is easy enough to make after a long day of working or that can be cooked in a crock pot...PLEASE SHARE with me and the others who follow the blog. You can e-mail me your recipes at rachelperez01@comcast.net and I will share them if you would like. If you don't want me to share them on the blog but want to share with me...I'll be just as grateful!

This could be a great place to come to get those home cooked meal recipes that we all loved growing up or love because we've tried them in our own kitchens and they were a huge success. I have shared some of mine already and will add to that but I am excited to try other's recipes also. Please share so we can all make life a little easier (not having to really think to come up with something for dinner is such a nice little luxury).

Thanks all and happy cooking!

A Geo Metro, Grace and and a Chubby Chef in Training

We have had an inoperable golf cart in our garage for quite some time. Dan has had great intentions of making it operable but little to no time to get that project going. So finally, Dan decided he was going to get online and find himself an old Geo Metro in the classifieds and salvage the engine so he could turn this golf cart into a street ready hot rod (okay well not really).

The idea was to turn this battery operated golf cart into a gas powered golf cart, give it tail lights, signals and all those things you would need to have on a street if it were dark out. The reasoning behind this is he wants this golf cart to be our new Halloween mobile. Since he paints vehicles for a living he intends to paint the now canary yellow golf cart black and airbrush some spiders, bats and other cool creepy halloween things on it. Eventually it is what we will use to cart our kids around the neighborhood on Halloween night for trick-or-treating. Let me tell you the kids (and Dan) are nothing short of pumped for this thing to be done but...it takes time and we still had to find an engine.

Last fall Dan found a really inexpensive Geo Metro. One night after work we ventured with the boys to a REALLY rough part of Minneapolis and found the address we were looking for.

In between two other condemned duplex houses was a very shabby, falling apart duplex kitty corner from where I was watching a drug deal take place and surrounded by people that would normally make me run the other direction in day light or dark. Dan proceeded to get out and go to the door. I decided to sit in the back of the truck with the boys in their car seats (why I didn't pick the drivers seat with the car running is beyond me).

Dan disappeared into one of the doors of the duplex and then we sat, and we sat, and we sat. When I began thinking that someone had killed him dead, stolen the cash from his pocket and left him there I began to panic and thought about getting out and getting to the front seat to grab my cell phone and call him (again, not sure why I didn't have the phone with me already). It was then I realized that I couldn't get out because the child locks were on and I was so wedged into the door by the two car seats that I couldn't really move. I sat for a few more minutes watching several more drug deals on the corner and being completely scared for our lives. Dan finally came out and told me he made the deal and that we had to pull around to the alley to get the car on the car dolly. The alley? Really? Ok, let's go to the alley!

So we go to the alley and there is 75lb Grace, the woman who sold Dan the car and we have to get this thing onto the dolly. Dan gets in this car which is FAR too small for my 6'4" husband. Grace (75lbs) and me (a few more lbs) begin pushing this thing while Dan steers to get it on the dolly. HA, yeah right! So while we make several unsuccessful attempts at this Grace is telling me that her son is upstairs making her a birthday dinner. She explains he is a chef in training and I am picturing this scrawny guy whipping up some merengue or something. She then describes him as a 275+ lb guy and I'm all wondering "so why the hell isn't HE out here pushing this car instead of you since you might drop dead at any moment". Finally the son comes downstairs and he gives one shove and the car is on the dolly! WOOOHOOOO!!!!! Grace and the big boy went in after a quick exchange of courtesies.

This is when the shit really hit the fan! Dan decided it was a good idea to pull the car onto a flat surface to get the tie downs on? Even saying this I am wondering how in God's name he thought this was a good plan and I warned him, I really did but I trusted he knew something about a car dolly and it's magic hold on a car even when said car is not tied down so I went with it. Then it happened...the car rolled off the dolly and I stood there wondering how we would ever get big boy back downstairs after his very kind willingness to come down and offer his help before (aka: Grace yells COME DOWN HERE WE CAN'T GET THIS THING ON)!

Dan and I stood staring at the tragedy for a few moments before we looked around us and saw some of the locals walking down the alley, others standing out on their back steps having a domestic (yes, I mean a true domestic) and Nick sitting in his car seat groaning "I'm hungry, I want some french fries". This was bad, really bad.

So we pushed, and pushed and pushed and pushed. Grace and the big boy were NOT coming back out, the domestic was getting louder and a little scary, the locals were eyeing the truck every time they walked by like they might try to hop in and take off even though we were just 10 feet away. We pushed that thing until we were both about to die. It was when Nick started to yell louder "I'm HUNGRY, I WANT FRENCH FRIES" that Dan hopped up on the dolly started pulling the car with me pushing from the back end that we managed to get that Geo Metro onto the dolly and pull a shoulder and a lower back muscle. It's funny how all the scary things happening around you aren't near as motivating as your child becoming increasingly annoying about his demanding hunger!

We got that bitch tied down and we were outta there (almost two hours later). Nick got dinner and we had this amazing piece of shit in our driveway that would soon be cut into small pieces and thrown away to reveal the ENGINE!

As I write, Dan is out mounting said engine to the golf cart in hopes that he can get this project done for Halloween. In the end it will all be worth it but at that moment...I would have left the car and the cash and ran for my life without looking back even for a second. It was a pretty funny scene and leaves me chuckling each time I remember.

To Speak or Not to Speak?

It has recently come to my attention that my 18 month old should be starting to say a little more than "mama", "hi", "wow", "die" (which in Danny language means Daddy) and "uh oh".
Danny however much prefers to scream like someone is attempting to murder him. I have attempted everything short of swatting him with a rolled up newspaper in his snout to get him to stop. The noise he produces is painful and agonizing and he won't stop! God help me I can't make it stop!

I was talking with a co-worker who happens to have several grown children and grandchildren and she looked at me square in the face, chuckled and said "Why should he talk? He doesn't have to." It was then that I realized that she was completely correct. Daniel does not have to talk because EVERYONE in our house (and that's almost a baseball team) speaks for him. Why would he ever need to say anything when between his parents and siblings he just has to make a noise and he gets what he needs. Of course that also means his noises must be LOUD because everyone is always talking in our house. I have raised a household of talkers...imagine that!

Saying "hi" is funny and cute because it makes everyone laugh and pay attention and saying "wow" (sort of like (WOOAAAAHHH) is really great and everyone laughs hysterically. Why should he ever say anything else?

 I was completely convinced that he does not understand the english language (oh, and by the way screw sign language...he is the one kid that looks at me all like "whatever mom you look like a moron with all that hand shit you're doing).
I was totally wrong, he understands perfectly. Like when I say "Daniel please get your baby and bring it to Daddy (die)" HE DOES IT! So I try more "Daniel please get mommy your fire truck and show me the ladder" and HE DOES IT!!!! This little man knows exactly what words mean and how to follow directions, even those with several steps and he is CHOOSING not to talk to us! I have never had a child who doesn't love to talk. I am so confused and besides who wouldn't want to talk to me?

I guess I'll just chalk it up to the fact that he really is his father's son. Dan really doesn't talk much either (it's the whole opposites attract stuff). I guess we will see on his first day of Kindergarten if he screams at his teacher or simply says "hi" and expects her to start laughing hysterically in complete adoration. Oh boy! It's gonna be a long road.

All I can say is "WOW"

Jipped

Is it fair that when your child's life is cut short that you feel jipped? Every person, every book, every article about losing a child and the grief that follows explain emotions such as anger, sadness, loneliness, depression, even happiness. How about jipped? No one ever mention jipped and I feel friggin' jipped!!!!!

How about when it is the first day of what should have been your child's senior year of high school and then it will be the date that she should have gone to her senior homecoming dance, father daughter dance, prom, graduation, college, first job, wedding, first home, babies...when the hell do they talk about this feeling like I was robbed of all of those things?

It was all a part of the plan (my plan anyway). I had this lovely girl at age 18 but that was okay because I was going to kick ass as a mom. I was going to prove everyone wrong and that I could be an amazing parent, responsible and loving, nurturing and supportive and just because I was young didn't mean I couldn't be a good parent! I was going to raise my girl to be self sufficient, responsible, to be a contributing member of society and to be compassionate and loving and how to be strong like the other women I was raised around. My reward was going to be that I would be just 36 years old when she graduated high school and that I would be a young grandmother and that I would have enormous amounts of energy to play with my grandkids and teach them too. My mind painted pictures of dressing her in a long white gown and getting her ready for her wedding, helping her pick decorations for her first home and eventually of being by her side in a hospital room when she had a baby of her own. When I was a young girl I didn't fantasize about my own wedding and about my own fairytale. I had many aspirations to be many great things but my greatest fantasies began when Maryah was born and I began to let myself imagine her being the grown up young lady that I always wished for her to be.

I have been jipped. I have hit a wall and this is all I can focus on at the moment. I realize of course that I am not the only one who has been jipped by this loss but I certainly do feel very alone with my feelings. It's ok though, I want to be. No one ever tells you that you will always want to be alone either but it's true. I am sure it will pass but for now it feels really great to just be alone with all of this bull shit going on inside of my heart and mind.

I keep hearing about more and more kids that are passing, cancer is robbing their families the same way it robbed ours and it stings my already tortured heart. I cannot imagine anyone else having to bare this burden. I just want it to stop. Children should NOT die before their parents.

I hope that some day these feelings will turn into action and I will help to find a way to make it stop. Until then...here's one for the books:

Following the death of your child you will feel grief through many emotions. At different times you will feel sad, lonely, aching, heart wrenching pain, anger, depression, more heart wrenching pain, you might also feel happy now and again but you will feel that along with the heart wrenching pain so it will be bitter sweet. You will likely forever feel jipped.

I wish someone would print that in one of the many grief journals.

The Moments That Count

I have been struggling to find the funny, the happy, the joyful things to write about until just now when I realized why. I can't write anything else, get beyond this "block" I am having until I write while the music is blaring her favorite songs, about my girl, my inspiration, MyRyah.

I have been racking my brain thinking about who I know, how well I know them and can I really contact these folks to ask them for help. Since I found out about Children's Lighthouse of MN (the first children's hospice/respite center) in MN I have been really planning in my head about reaching out to those I attended CDH with that have public attention. I have thought this but have not yet acted because I couldn't bring myself to reach out to these folks in fear that they would think I was "using" them somehow. I mean how would you not think that? When someone calls you or FBs you or e-mails you after 15+ years to say "hey do you remember me from HS?" It seems so fake, such bull shit and when you are trying to live genuinely it seems ridiculous!!!

Then I remembered clearly the moment that I sat on my living room couch with Zach looking on at our five year old daughter playing quietly on the floor and clearly hearing the conversation when we said "She will do great things and lead many people, some how, some way!" How could we have known? How could a parent know that when a child is so young? There has always been SOMETHING. I can't place exactly what one thing it is with Maryah but she had "it".

I imagine these men and women I am considering contacting have "it" too. I imagine them playing in their yards and homes as children and their parents thinking that there was something about them. I imagine this because I believe God has somehow marked those destined for greatness so that those of us here doing the every day work (important but not so widely public) can see and nurture that greatness. I imagine that the moments that we realize this are among the important moments in our lives. They were children, like my girl, they are great like my girl and they have the ability to touch and lead thousands like my girl. They need to know about this project, they need to know about this opportunity to use God's given gifts and partner with Maryah and make CLM a reality for our MN kids.

I sit here this morning and I know that there are big things that must be accomplished in Maryah's honor and CLM is one of them. I know that I need to get past my heart ache and work hard for her. I know that

I need to remember the moments that count:

"Thank you Mom for taking care of me for all this time."
"I love you Mom, you are my best friend."
"I don't want to die mommy but I'm not afraid"
Three squeezes of the hand, the stillness of her big, beautiful heart and knowing she was leaving my arms to be in my mother's arms and more importantly in God's arms.
The final hugs and kisses.
The touch of Dan's cheek to let him know how much he was loved by her.
The final words to the boy she loved and the best friend she will never be far from.

We all live our lives so that we might feel pure joy and the real moments that fill our heart and mind. I have lived many of these moments already. MY daughter was great...she was destined for greatness...she was given a job directly from God and she did it REALLY well...she did it fully and she used up her gift until the final breath of her life.  She is MY daughter...how humbling! I hit my knees daily to thank God for giving me such a HUGE gift. He trusted me, simple me to care for someone so special and to nurture that greatness. I am truly beside myself with humility as I take that in.

She was here, her legacy will live on and I will find a way to make those contacts to speak to these people that are also destined for greatness and I pray to God that they will somehow know her spirit and speak up for the need for this hospice center. She didn't lead me to this project for nothing. I need to make big things happen exactly how she would have. I won't stop trying until my last breath.

The funny blog posts will come, they will flow once again but for now there is work to be done and my inspiration will come again through working on something so important. I have to find a way to move with my grief again, this will be a process every day for the remainder of my life.

She was here, she lived, she loved, she was here, she did everything that she wanted, she lived her life so that everyone would know she was here. She brought us together in her name to do something that will help so many others.

Today my blog is the link to my heart and has helped me to tap into those moments that count to bring me back from a place that was blurry.

I won't forget Maryah...I will keep living and taking care of all of the people and the things you've asked me to! I promise.

A Little Excessive?

So my soap box blog post about everything in excess begins with school supply shopping. We get to superstore X and get our cart in gear and ready for the race to get all things SCHOOL! And we're off...back pack, notebooks, pencil holder, wide tip markers, fine tip markers, crayons (24 not 48), pens of red and pens of black, highlighters, pearl erasers, pocket folders and notebooks in red, yellow, purple and blue and then 48 PENCILS! Who in the hell needs 48 pencils? I am not sure God could find use for 48 brand new pencils in just nine short months that include holiday breaks and miscelaneous days off. That's like a new pencil every third or fourth day. It's not only that they need  48 PENCILS but they must be sharpened and God help you if you don't have access to an electric sharpener...talk about carpal tunnel!

Come to think of it I am quite certain that out of all of those pencils not a single, solitary pencil has come home in the spring! Where do they all go? Do they eat them? Do they throw them away when they are only half used? Where are the pencils? 48 pencils is a lot of gosh darn pencils! We won't even get into the fact that Superstore X has eight billion wide ruled, spiral notebooks of all colors EXCEPT yellow which is on the local school supply list which is posted in said superstore!

Let's talk about socks and underwear...so now we are out of the school supply section armed with Elmer's white glue and ten thousand glue sticks incase the old standard Elmers isn't going to cut it and our fiskars scissors (in case the generic brand doesn't cut the same).
We move on to find some general items for all the kids where we find that really only one kid needs new socks and one kid needs new underwear but in case your entire family and some of the neighbor kids need some they come in packs of 7,000. I'm just sayin'...you can't ever have too many socks and cotton underpants according to superstore X's packaging strategies.

Well, it's short but sweet because I have to get moving so I can sharpen all those penils so God help them, the children won't be sent home or held back a year because they came with only 47 sharpened no.2 pencils. Whew! I have a lot of work to do!

Happy School Year!

Blog Police?

So I've got this odd feeling that if I don't come up with something creative and post on this blog often enough I will be in "trouble". LOL!  It seems silly I know but I feel the need to watch my back.

So I have a few random things rattling around in my mind that I will throw out there. Things I think are worth remembering, funny to me things that maybe no one gives a rip about!

First, I learned why they call Leech lake, Leech lake. I found this out while in the water up to my waist when my husband (up to his knees) is looking around in the water down below and is following something. Pretty soon he yells "holy cow that IS a leech!". Oh holy Jesus I about faint and drown right on the spot. I have a deep fear of leeches after having ten, count them, ten leeches attached to my feet sucking every ounce of blood from my body and bible camp when I was like 12. The screams could have been heard all the way back to St. Paul I'm sure of it which led to my mother coming that very night at my begging and pleading to please come and pick me up from this horrible leech infested camp!
Then, all of the sudden one of the boys pulls the darn thing out of the water and it's like four feet long and about as big around as Danny's arm! Dear LORD! Ok, so it was about six inches long and about as big around as my thumb but still...dear LORD! The leeches I have been scared of since age 12 were only an eighth of that size. This was the first of about four or five more of these blood sucking savages we saw on our trip to the beach. I had to be strong for the children. I had to hide my fear and show them how to be brave. This was all the while they were laughing at me hysterically and throwing the leeches at me while I screamed bloody hell!

Second, Nick has learned to pee standing up (thank you Angie, childcare provider extraordinaire and her son, "big Nick"). This really isn't THAT exciting but it leads me to Nick's funny of the month. Dan and I were enjoying dinner with the boys this week and while we were sitting at the table Nick announces loudly  that he has to go poop. Well, okay then...he was off to the potty and we continued to eat supper. About five minutes passed and we were listening to Nick doing his normal talking, quiet singing, etc. Then he belts out singing "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?" this sent us into hysterics and now I've been singing the song all week. Too funny not to share!

Third, my heartfelt moment of the week was when I read a letter Morgan wrote to me on Wednesday when she was with me at work. In all my years as a mother there is really nothing that warms my heart more then when my kids leave me little letters to find when they are away. This one was no different and I suddenly realized that my little girl is growing up and developing into such a fine young lady! I am so very proud.

We will be heading out to do school shopping this weekend which I think will bring more stories and good humor so I should be able to keep the blog police from kicking down my door!

Hope everyone is enjoying the tail end of summer.

Tried to post cabin pictures but blogger is being an asshole!