Jipped

Is it fair that when your child's life is cut short that you feel jipped? Every person, every book, every article about losing a child and the grief that follows explain emotions such as anger, sadness, loneliness, depression, even happiness. How about jipped? No one ever mention jipped and I feel friggin' jipped!!!!!

How about when it is the first day of what should have been your child's senior year of high school and then it will be the date that she should have gone to her senior homecoming dance, father daughter dance, prom, graduation, college, first job, wedding, first home, babies...when the hell do they talk about this feeling like I was robbed of all of those things?

It was all a part of the plan (my plan anyway). I had this lovely girl at age 18 but that was okay because I was going to kick ass as a mom. I was going to prove everyone wrong and that I could be an amazing parent, responsible and loving, nurturing and supportive and just because I was young didn't mean I couldn't be a good parent! I was going to raise my girl to be self sufficient, responsible, to be a contributing member of society and to be compassionate and loving and how to be strong like the other women I was raised around. My reward was going to be that I would be just 36 years old when she graduated high school and that I would be a young grandmother and that I would have enormous amounts of energy to play with my grandkids and teach them too. My mind painted pictures of dressing her in a long white gown and getting her ready for her wedding, helping her pick decorations for her first home and eventually of being by her side in a hospital room when she had a baby of her own. When I was a young girl I didn't fantasize about my own wedding and about my own fairytale. I had many aspirations to be many great things but my greatest fantasies began when Maryah was born and I began to let myself imagine her being the grown up young lady that I always wished for her to be.

I have been jipped. I have hit a wall and this is all I can focus on at the moment. I realize of course that I am not the only one who has been jipped by this loss but I certainly do feel very alone with my feelings. It's ok though, I want to be. No one ever tells you that you will always want to be alone either but it's true. I am sure it will pass but for now it feels really great to just be alone with all of this bull shit going on inside of my heart and mind.

I keep hearing about more and more kids that are passing, cancer is robbing their families the same way it robbed ours and it stings my already tortured heart. I cannot imagine anyone else having to bare this burden. I just want it to stop. Children should NOT die before their parents.

I hope that some day these feelings will turn into action and I will help to find a way to make it stop. Until then...here's one for the books:

Following the death of your child you will feel grief through many emotions. At different times you will feel sad, lonely, aching, heart wrenching pain, anger, depression, more heart wrenching pain, you might also feel happy now and again but you will feel that along with the heart wrenching pain so it will be bitter sweet. You will likely forever feel jipped.

I wish someone would print that in one of the many grief journals.