Do you ever just get to a point where you honestly can’t take it anymore? You just throw your hands up and say “whatever happens it will happen without my help!”
I am there today! I am there and have been visiting for a while now. Just how many times do you have to ask those that are part of a family unit to take part in the tasks that are required to keep the household running smoothly? I am unsure how many times I can ask “can you feed the dog?”, can you turn your socks and clothes right side out before you bring them to the laundry?”, “can you pick up after yourself?”, “can you keep your bedroom clean for longer than five minutes?” “can you walk the dog?”, “can you let the dog out/in?” This is just the litany of things that happens within 15 minutes of any given day. This includes my wonderful, hard-working, husband most days. While I am not at my outside job taking care of over 150 people and their daily problems I am at home running children from home to dance, dance to home, home to chiropractor, chiropractor to home. This includes time in between my hours of driving to help with homework, reminders to read and calling out weekly spelling words while attempting to stand over the stove to cook a nutritious meal that some of the children curl their nose at or say “gross” or “I don’t like that” or just slyly push it around, attempting to make it look like they’ve eaten it while they wait for the moment they think I’m not looking and run to the trash to clear their plate. They will however swarm and treat me like the goddess of all mothers if I mention a treat, dessert, some other fat filled, sugar filled morsel.
Why would this be so upsetting you ask? They’re children you say? Yes, they are they are children of many dynamics. I have one child missing from our lives, which is a minute-to-minute struggle for me. I have a child who struggles with that almost equally to me and on top of that she talks incessantly because she is a child who has had no choice but to become part of two large families with many children in each and craves one-on-one attention with every ounce of her being from. Then there are my step-daughters who have many issues to deal with since when they have no choice but to travel to their other parent’s house where they deal with alcoholism, erratic behavior and in turn act out, are depressed at times and I find myself working daily to help with these issues since the Court system certainly won’t help us. Thank you Washington County!
Then there are these two boys and they are busy, loud and seemingly have an endless supply of energy, which causes them to run circles around me as I get older and a little less agile. I have no idea how I might continue to keep up with them as I continue to get older. I better start a serious weight training, exercise regime very soon.
I find myself spending every moment of every day cleaning, cooking, cleaning some more, helping children with every single little thing they either can’t do or just to “carefree” to do. I am trying to maintain friendships and can’t seem to find the time to even do that. A phone call…yeah right, not unless it’s during my 30 minute drive to or from work when I might actually be able to hear you and have a meaningful conversation. Forgive me if I’ve ever called you and just unloaded all that’s going on in MY life only to forego what might be going on in yours because…well….I only had 30 minutes to even talk on the phone and I HAD to tell someone about the craziness that is my day-to-day life. I promise on my next 30 minute drive I would LOVE to hear about your craziness. I am unsure how to help others when I feel I cannot even help myself at the moment. I wish I could come up with some magic manual to help parents of large families to feel like they don’t need to rip their hair out of their head and to let go of the frustrations that are sure to come.
Please don’t get me wrong there are many moments that bring smiles and joy and happiness also. There are many rewards all though some days they are few and far in between. The greatest reward for me has always been that I am serving God and I am humbled to do so. It keeps my head up and keeps me from Thelma and Louise’ing it on the days that bring ulcers and tears.
I always wondered what I would do with my life when I grew up. I can answer now…I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a cousin, a niece, an auntie, a Human Resource Director, a nurse, a boo-boo fixer, a hugger, a taxi cab driver, a dog trainer, a maid, a lawyer, a secretary, a teacher, a trainer, a chef, a…well I could fill the rest of the page with this list but you get it.
This is a small insight into the very private corners of my brain. Anyone can share and make life seem “just dandy” but many days it is not. Many days it is hard, it is challenging and it brings me to my knees in tears. I fail daily, I succeed sometimes, I make mistake after mistake after mistake and I try to keep learning. I am not sure that it will ever change.
On a daily basis my range of emotions includes, grief, happiness, joy, fear, love, sad, angry, hurt, embarrassed, proud, hopeful, compassionate, empathetic, despair. This likely doesn’t even cover it all but it’s a good start.
I hope that I am not the only woman that feels this way, I hope that this isn’t completely off –the-wall but then again I guess I don’t worry too much that I am because we are all unique and this is a tad bit of my unique mind and heart.
I wish it could all be glorious, all the time but this is the truth of it all. I try not to worry too much because I know at the end of they day that all of this is a blessing in some way or another and it is part of my life’s plan. I just wish God didn’t trust me so much some times.
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