Times They Are a Changin'

I can't quite express the swelling of grief this morning that has arisen simply because of a change in the Caringbridge "set up".

Obviously as time moves on technology changes and becomes faster, "easier" and more appropriate for the times. In this case it has brought an extreme amount of sadness that in fact time is moving forward when I still feel stuck in time.

Since Maryah's diagnosis in 2004 we have viewed many friend's CB pages and have noticed the change in format and it was inevitable that this would be the permanent change. It simply reinforces the permanancy of her absence today.

This is a reflection of the many changing emotions during my days. Some days you simply go with the flow and other days you come to a screeching hault when you realize "Holy cow...forever? Really? It has to be forever?" Those moments are hard to hurdle most days and take me down almost every time. It means nothing how extremely productive or motivated I was just the moment before that thought hit...it's done...gone and over. I can no longer function past the pain in my chest that comes each time I think that she won't be calling me today to say "I love you, Mom". These are the days when I yell at Him and want answers..."WHY? How could you take my mother and my daughter? HOW could you let me hurt this deeply again and expect me to live through it." I find myself negotiating with God during these moments "I will do anything you need from me, I will serve you every moment of my life if you will just insure that my passing comes before anyone else I love". I am sure that sounds ridiculous but nothing about grief seems sane quite honestly. Sometimes after my logic returns I remember that God's Grace is His gift to me no matter what I do or don't do to please Him. Thank you God! If it weren't for your Grace...well...who knows where I would be today.

I wish time would stand still for me, for all of us that grieve Maryah's loss and the loss of our other loved ones. I wish that some days we could just stand still, all of us and simply relish in the memories of peaceful and joyous times.

As I am studying with Morgan for an upcoming Science test this week, we are reading about the different types of motion one type of motion is constant motion and on this Earth, in this world we are in constant motion. It will not stop just because our mind tells us it should. Our hearts are in constant motion even when they feel completely broken. Then there is variable motion which slows down, speeds up, turns right and left, forward and backward and although the world I am on is in constant motion...I am in variable motion and they seem to resist each other at times.

The expectation that grief begins to lessen after a year or so...is not a realistic expectation when you have lost your child. The grief is as strong as it's ever been. Unlike the Caringbridge format...that will not change.