The Moments That Count

I have been struggling to find the funny, the happy, the joyful things to write about until just now when I realized why. I can't write anything else, get beyond this "block" I am having until I write while the music is blaring her favorite songs, about my girl, my inspiration, MyRyah.

I have been racking my brain thinking about who I know, how well I know them and can I really contact these folks to ask them for help. Since I found out about Children's Lighthouse of MN (the first children's hospice/respite center) in MN I have been really planning in my head about reaching out to those I attended CDH with that have public attention. I have thought this but have not yet acted because I couldn't bring myself to reach out to these folks in fear that they would think I was "using" them somehow. I mean how would you not think that? When someone calls you or FBs you or e-mails you after 15+ years to say "hey do you remember me from HS?" It seems so fake, such bull shit and when you are trying to live genuinely it seems ridiculous!!!

Then I remembered clearly the moment that I sat on my living room couch with Zach looking on at our five year old daughter playing quietly on the floor and clearly hearing the conversation when we said "She will do great things and lead many people, some how, some way!" How could we have known? How could a parent know that when a child is so young? There has always been SOMETHING. I can't place exactly what one thing it is with Maryah but she had "it".

I imagine these men and women I am considering contacting have "it" too. I imagine them playing in their yards and homes as children and their parents thinking that there was something about them. I imagine this because I believe God has somehow marked those destined for greatness so that those of us here doing the every day work (important but not so widely public) can see and nurture that greatness. I imagine that the moments that we realize this are among the important moments in our lives. They were children, like my girl, they are great like my girl and they have the ability to touch and lead thousands like my girl. They need to know about this project, they need to know about this opportunity to use God's given gifts and partner with Maryah and make CLM a reality for our MN kids.

I sit here this morning and I know that there are big things that must be accomplished in Maryah's honor and CLM is one of them. I know that I need to get past my heart ache and work hard for her. I know that

I need to remember the moments that count:

"Thank you Mom for taking care of me for all this time."
"I love you Mom, you are my best friend."
"I don't want to die mommy but I'm not afraid"
Three squeezes of the hand, the stillness of her big, beautiful heart and knowing she was leaving my arms to be in my mother's arms and more importantly in God's arms.
The final hugs and kisses.
The touch of Dan's cheek to let him know how much he was loved by her.
The final words to the boy she loved and the best friend she will never be far from.

We all live our lives so that we might feel pure joy and the real moments that fill our heart and mind. I have lived many of these moments already. MY daughter was great...she was destined for greatness...she was given a job directly from God and she did it REALLY well...she did it fully and she used up her gift until the final breath of her life.  She is MY daughter...how humbling! I hit my knees daily to thank God for giving me such a HUGE gift. He trusted me, simple me to care for someone so special and to nurture that greatness. I am truly beside myself with humility as I take that in.

She was here, her legacy will live on and I will find a way to make those contacts to speak to these people that are also destined for greatness and I pray to God that they will somehow know her spirit and speak up for the need for this hospice center. She didn't lead me to this project for nothing. I need to make big things happen exactly how she would have. I won't stop trying until my last breath.

The funny blog posts will come, they will flow once again but for now there is work to be done and my inspiration will come again through working on something so important. I have to find a way to move with my grief again, this will be a process every day for the remainder of my life.

She was here, she lived, she loved, she was here, she did everything that she wanted, she lived her life so that everyone would know she was here. She brought us together in her name to do something that will help so many others.

Today my blog is the link to my heart and has helped me to tap into those moments that count to bring me back from a place that was blurry.

I won't forget Maryah...I will keep living and taking care of all of the people and the things you've asked me to! I promise.