Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Cemetery Humor

I am sure you are thinking "cemetery humor" really? This woman has lost her gourd! Not really...just a little more dark humor.

So Dan and I took the boys to the cemetery this past weekend. The girls were at their other parents for the weekend so Dan and I use the time to get a lot of our chores done and things we don't otherwise get a lot of time to do.

On this particular day we wanted to go "visit" Maryah and Nick wanted to tell her about his b-day gifts, etc. We wanted to take some measurements of her head stone for a project we're working on as well. In the process of visiting and watering her flowers Nick announced with a sense of panic that he had to go potty. This seems to be an increasing issue with him that he waits until the absolute last moment before he will go. Well, given there is no bathroom available at the cemetery we felt the tree very near by would suffice. I should tell you that the tree is about two feet from the fence between the cemetery and a very busy street.

Dan told Nick to face the tree with his back to the street. This would have been appropriate however Nick has learned how to pee sitting down so he really has no idea how to discreetly pee standing up (we are absolutely going to be working on this talent from here on out). So Nick dropped his shorts to his ankles and proceeded to try and do his thing. When I saw this I was still standing near Maryah's stone and about five or six feet from Nick so I hadn't really noticed that his bare ass was exposed for everyone driving down the street to see. I can only imagine what people were thinking as they were driving by the CEMETARY where there is a young boy with his bare ass hanging out! This started me laughing and I ran over to Nick to stand behind him and try to give him some direction.

Now, I must inform you that I really have no idea how this works. I am the mother of girls first and I clearly know how lady parts work but knowing this and not a thing about how boy parts really work I have no clue that the urine will not simply just run down his legs covering his shorts and shoes. I have now tried to pull his feet backwards while leaning him forward and at this point he is all squirmy because he was trying to hold it for what seemed like forever. Finally Dan just yells "My God woman just let him pee already!" That was all it took and there you have it...PEE shooting out of a tator tot that could have reached the fence two feet away! How was I to know this is how it works!?!?! I was laughing hysterically and had now fallen to the ground where I was rolling around in the grass trying to stay away from where Nick was peeing (for what seemed like 30 minutes). I looked up only to see an older woman walking toward us obviously in complete shock, when I proceeded to break out into uncontrollable laughter. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, I couldn't gain composure for the life of me. Nick was now laughing, Dan was hiding his face pretending he didn't know us when I realized Nick was now standing by me with his pants still down and his penis completly exposed and facing the woman approaching. That is when it all went down hill...I peed my pants a little from laughing so hard (yes, I totally admitted that on the internet for all to see). Dan was just shaking his head, mortified at this spectacle. He retrieved Nick and helped him pull his pants up. Oh! Did I mention that Danny was climbing grave stones while all this was going on? Yes, he certainly was.

So although I am 150% certain my daughter was watching and got a laugh and a half out of the show we put on there are oh so many reasons why this was so VERY wrong:

1. Nick was bare assed and peeing in a cemetery.
2. I was rolling around in the grass laughing in the cemetery.
3. Danny was climbing gravestones.
4. I peed my pants!

That's really enough...there are so many other reasons but God, I am just really too embarrassed to keep going. Fun stuff though. I have warned you all before...our family is NOT normal! When telling my girls upon their return about this adventure not one of them was very surprised...really? NOT normal I tell you!

Stay tuned for more funny cemetery stories and if you were the woman at the cemetery trying to pay your respects to your loved one while all of this side show action was taking place I sincerely apologize for our actions! LMAO!

2 comments:

  1. Good Lord...that is some funny shit sis!! I love it! Butch and I use to talk, and she would tell me she wanted to write a book called "Graveyard Etiquette". We would laugh hysterically about the things she did, and saw others do. She felt so strongly that anything goes because it's your place to visit YOUR loved one. Great idea...you should maybe write an ongoing piece, with some things she added in her honor too!
    <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is super funny! I really am enjoying your blog. I also am inspired by you. You are a super Mom!

    Adana Boney-Jett

    ReplyDelete

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