Joy

At some point in our life we realize that finding joy is in the simple things. It has been cumulative incidents throughout my life that have brought me to a place in time and space where I can find pure joy in very simple things.

When I was young my mother was ill for the most of my childhood and I loved her so deeply so it hurt but I remember clearly that my mother smiled through most of life's ups and downs and laughed at every chance she got. I was sixteen when she passed and I realized it was she who began my lessons on joy. After my stupid high school years where I thought I knew it all, hurt some people, partied a little too hard and blew off my private school education for a little too long I realized through the new knowledge that I was going to become a mom before my senior year was over that I should look back to the joy that I had been taught and draw from it to get through what would surely be a year of growth. I found out again that I was pretty smart, didn't need to party to have fun and that family brought those smiles and laughs that create joy.

I had Maryah just two weeks before my graduation. It brought me joy to see her pink ruffled dress and bloomers as I passed her walking down the long aisle of the St. Paul cathedral to receive my diploma.

 Later  when I was working for a large company and traveling for business, learning my independence and how to  really be a responsible adult I found joy in my work and my friendships.

Then there was Morgan, my second baby girl who added to my life experiences, teaching me even more about motherhood and work/life balance.

After an 11 year relationship with my high school sweetheart I found myself divorced and clueless about life. I searched for that independence I worked so hard at in the years past, I searched for happiness and I found it in my daughters. They filled my heart and we spent countless hours together playing at the park, having movie and pizza nights, spending time with my sister and family. Those are the days I remember that helped me find pure joy again.

Shortly there after our world got flipped upside down with Maryah's cancer diagnosis. She was only nine years old and that joy...well it disappeared for a bit. I couldn't muster it if I tried my hardest. Cancer is the worst form of asshole (and that's putting it mildly)! I couldn't believe how it could rip my heart into pieces in a matter of seconds. Ultimately, however it is what ended up bringing joy back to the surface by bringing us even closer together. There were lessons to be learned in how NOT to take life for granted, and really, not just saying it but NOT taking it for granted.
Through doctors appointments, hospitalizations, surgeries, procedures, ER visits and other scary, heart wrenching moments we still found joy in the simple things. My Big Fat Greek Wedding, swearing in front of grandma and knowing we could get away with it, holidays in a small hospital room where our family delivered us a meal fit for royalty, quiet naps, hugs, kisses, hand holding, shopping, pedicures, manicures, and many, many other things that we found that joy through.

Of course during this time we met my husband Dan and my "bonus daughters", Tori and Libby. In adding to our family and the fun that we all had together we found joy. There was a wedding, there was the birth of two awesome little boys that added pure, crazy chaos to our family, all of which brought joy.

Maryah passed but in her transition from this life to her eternal life she found joy. She made a "bucket list" and she accomplished most all of it. She traveled to the mountains and the ocean on a private jet with her Dad, sister and best friend. She went on a real date, she went to prom, she got her nails done regularly, she shopped until every last penny was spent. She and her sister spent her birthday on the internet having a shopping spree and then sent me to the mall to pick up EVERYTHING they had picked out! I came back to hospice center where she was staying with over 12 bags from different stores on my arms. It was a joyful day, the day she turned sweet sixteen!
On May 15th, on year ago today at this very minute I held Maryah as she took her last breath and her golden heart stopped beating. It was joyful to watch her leave the body that was bringing her pain and struggle and transition into her life in heaven where she was free to dance and spend her eternal life with those that had gone before her.

Today, as I watch my oldest son following his daddy around the back yard with his toy mower and smell the fresh cut grass, watch my girls giggle with anticipation as they begin the process of opening the pool for the summer, watch the sun shine down on all of us and remember all these moments and SO many more in my life....I remember my JOY! It is huge, it is pure and I hope to share it so much throughout my life that everyone around me will remember it and live it daily.

EnJOY this day!