The Dinner Table

Sometimes our dinner table resembles a group of special needs children as so gently pointed out by my husband last night after the kids had cleared out.

The night was a little hurried in that we had school conferences and needed to get supper in before the hustle to get to school, talk to teachers, pick up fundraiser purchases and then get another child off to dance lessons.

I need to give you a little preliminary on our kids before I tell you Dan's description of the scene at our table. First, there is Tori who is generally stuffed up even after removal of tonsils and adenoids years ago, this makes it nearly impossible to chew with her mouth closed. Then there is Morgan and she has been sniffling almost non-stop for the past month and a half, this seems to be a nervous habit rather than just a cold creeping in. Libby just simply doesn't eat and it is a battle over whether or not she will try something that I've made that night.  Then there is Nick who we darn near have to tie to the chair to keep him sitting and he makes noise non-stop and not just the cute little four-year-old noise but annoying airplane, gun shooting, repetitive noise that is sometimes accompanied by him swaying his body side-to-side until he almost falls off the chair or in circular motion until we're all ready to throw up. Danny...well he refuses to sit in his high chair these days so when we put him at the table with everyone else he is up, down, up down, up down and I can't imagine where he learns his crazy table manners from. When he does actually eat, half the food just lands on the chair or floor. Sometimes he just throws his body up on the table so he can reach the fruit bowl or whatever else he wants that we've moved just out of his reach. Last night he tossed the salad in the bowl for the entire meal. He would scream like an animal being tortured if we took the bowl to dish up some salad.

So after dinner was over Dan looks at me, totally defeated and he says "Do you ever think our dinner table resembles the short bus?" (Disclaimer: We know this is a totally inappropriate and asshole comparison...I KNOW it sounds mean but we have great love for the mentally challenged).

I laugh and ask him what he means...he then says while pointing to each kids empty chair..."This one here chews like this (mimics a cow chewing it's cud), that one there is constantly (sniffles extremely loud), then there's that one and he's all (rolls his body in a circle and makes some insane noise) and then there's that one (gets down and then up and then stirs the salad left in the bowl). Then there is this one (makes a few circles on his plate with his fork which made a horrific noise). He looked at me with so much seriousness that I couldn't help but break down laughing.

Many nights this is how it is at our house. The kids are loud, they are unique in their good and their annoying ways. I love every minute of it but somedays it just simply feels...well...CRAZY!

Thank God we can laugh about it.

Times They Are a Changin'

I can't quite express the swelling of grief this morning that has arisen simply because of a change in the Caringbridge "set up".

Obviously as time moves on technology changes and becomes faster, "easier" and more appropriate for the times. In this case it has brought an extreme amount of sadness that in fact time is moving forward when I still feel stuck in time.

Since Maryah's diagnosis in 2004 we have viewed many friend's CB pages and have noticed the change in format and it was inevitable that this would be the permanent change. It simply reinforces the permanancy of her absence today.

This is a reflection of the many changing emotions during my days. Some days you simply go with the flow and other days you come to a screeching hault when you realize "Holy cow...forever? Really? It has to be forever?" Those moments are hard to hurdle most days and take me down almost every time. It means nothing how extremely productive or motivated I was just the moment before that thought hit...it's done...gone and over. I can no longer function past the pain in my chest that comes each time I think that she won't be calling me today to say "I love you, Mom". These are the days when I yell at Him and want answers..."WHY? How could you take my mother and my daughter? HOW could you let me hurt this deeply again and expect me to live through it." I find myself negotiating with God during these moments "I will do anything you need from me, I will serve you every moment of my life if you will just insure that my passing comes before anyone else I love". I am sure that sounds ridiculous but nothing about grief seems sane quite honestly. Sometimes after my logic returns I remember that God's Grace is His gift to me no matter what I do or don't do to please Him. Thank you God! If it weren't for your Grace...well...who knows where I would be today.

I wish time would stand still for me, for all of us that grieve Maryah's loss and the loss of our other loved ones. I wish that some days we could just stand still, all of us and simply relish in the memories of peaceful and joyous times.

As I am studying with Morgan for an upcoming Science test this week, we are reading about the different types of motion one type of motion is constant motion and on this Earth, in this world we are in constant motion. It will not stop just because our mind tells us it should. Our hearts are in constant motion even when they feel completely broken. Then there is variable motion which slows down, speeds up, turns right and left, forward and backward and although the world I am on is in constant motion...I am in variable motion and they seem to resist each other at times.

The expectation that grief begins to lessen after a year or so...is not a realistic expectation when you have lost your child. The grief is as strong as it's ever been. Unlike the Caringbridge format...that will not change.

Parenthood (part 2 of 1 billion)

Do you ever just get to a point where you honestly can’t take it anymore? You just throw your hands up and say “whatever happens it will happen without my help!”

I am there today! I am there and have been visiting for a while now. Just how many times do you have to ask those that are part of a family unit to take part in the tasks that are required to keep the household running smoothly? I am unsure how many times I can ask “can you feed the dog?”, can you turn your socks and clothes right side out before you bring them to the laundry?”, “can you pick up after yourself?”, “can you keep your bedroom clean for longer than five minutes?” “can you walk the dog?”, “can you let the dog out/in?” This is just the litany of things that happens within 15 minutes of any given day. This includes my wonderful, hard-working, husband most days. While I am not at my outside job taking care of over 150 people and their daily problems I am at home running children from home to dance, dance to home, home to chiropractor, chiropractor to home. This includes time in between my hours of driving to help with homework, reminders to read and calling out weekly spelling words while attempting to stand over the stove to cook a nutritious meal that some of the children curl their nose at or say “gross” or “I don’t like that” or just slyly push it around, attempting to make it look like they’ve eaten it while they wait for the moment they think I’m not looking and run to the trash to clear their plate. They will however swarm and treat me like the goddess of all mothers if I mention a treat, dessert, some other fat filled, sugar filled morsel.

Why would this be so upsetting you ask? They’re children you say? Yes, they are they are children of many dynamics. I have one child missing from our lives, which is a minute-to-minute struggle for me. I have a child who struggles with that almost equally to me and on top of that she talks incessantly because she is a child who has had no choice but to become part of two large families with many children in each and craves one-on-one attention with every ounce of her being from. Then there are my step-daughters who have many issues to deal with since when they have no choice but to travel to their other parent’s house where they deal with alcoholism, erratic behavior and in turn act out, are depressed at times and I find myself working daily to help with these issues since the Court system certainly won’t help us. Thank you Washington County!

Then there are these two boys and they are busy, loud and seemingly have an endless supply of energy, which causes them to run circles around me as I get older and a little less agile.  I have no idea how I might continue to keep up with them as I continue to get older. I better start a serious weight training, exercise regime very soon.

I find myself spending every moment of every day cleaning, cooking, cleaning some more, helping children with every single little thing they either can’t do or just to “carefree” to do. I am trying to maintain friendships and can’t seem to find the time to even do that. A phone call…yeah right, not unless it’s during my 30 minute drive to or from work when I might actually be able to hear you and have a meaningful conversation. Forgive me if I’ve ever called you and just unloaded all that’s going on in MY life only to forego what might be going on in yours because…well….I only had 30 minutes to even talk on the phone and I HAD to tell someone about the craziness that is my day-to-day life. I promise on my next 30 minute drive I would LOVE to hear about your craziness. I am unsure how to help others when I feel I cannot even help myself at the moment. I wish I could come up with some magic manual to help parents of large families to feel like they don’t need to rip their hair out of their head and to let go of the frustrations that are sure to come.

Please don’t get me wrong there are many moments that bring smiles and joy and happiness also. There are many rewards all though some days they are few and far in between. The greatest reward for me has always been that I am serving God and I am humbled to do so. It keeps my head up and keeps me from Thelma and Louise’ing it on the days that bring ulcers and tears.

I always wondered what I would do with my life when I grew up. I can answer now…I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a cousin, a niece, an auntie, a Human Resource Director, a nurse, a boo-boo fixer, a hugger, a taxi cab driver, a dog trainer, a maid, a lawyer, a secretary, a teacher, a trainer, a chef, a…well I could fill the rest of the page with this list but you get it.

This is a small insight into the very private corners of my brain. Anyone can share and make life seem “just dandy” but many days it is not. Many days it is hard, it is challenging and it brings me to my knees in tears. I fail daily, I succeed sometimes, I make mistake after mistake after mistake and I try to keep learning. I am not sure that it will ever change.

On a daily basis my range of emotions includes, grief, happiness, joy, fear, love, sad, angry, hurt, embarrassed, proud, hopeful, compassionate, empathetic, despair. This likely doesn’t even cover it all but it’s a good start.

I hope that I am not the only woman that feels this way, I hope that this isn’t completely off –the-wall but then again I guess I don’t worry too much that I am because we are all unique and this is a tad bit of my unique mind and heart.

I wish it could all be glorious, all the time but this is the truth of it all. I try not to worry too much because I know at the end of they day that all of this is a blessing in some way or another and it is part of my life’s plan. I just wish God didn’t trust me so much some times. 

Random Thoughts From the Deep Blue Yonder

I have been so busy that I haven't been able to find a minute to write anything other than documents at work and math and science problems with my fifth and third graders. It's amazing how I feel this twinge to just write after so long and write anything...
So I've decided that today is the day for my random thoughts that have been swirling through my head over the past months.

1. I love coffee on Saturday mornings with my husband.
2. I love watching my kids dance.
3. I am tired alot and losing my hair so I think I better check my thyroid.
4. I think I better try eating better and excercising so maybe I won't lose my hair and feel sleepy all the time.
5. I am rather bitter about seeing so much pink when I really wish their was much more gold. Children get cancer and die too.
6. I am suddenly nervous to talk in front of large groups.
7. I'm kind of a loner and I like it.
8. I wish I was a better friend and that it could be as easy for me as it seems for others.
9. I don't NEED money but it sure makes life easier so I play the lottery.
10. I pray A LOT! I should be more thankful rather than always asking.
11. I hate texting.
12. I hate talking on the phone until I actually am talking on the phone with someone and then I don't mind so much.
13. I love my sister and brother like crazy.
14. I wonder what Maryah's wedding would have been like?
15. I wonder what life would be like today if she never died?
16. Every year I think I will be more organized and do something better next year but that never seems to happen.
17. Sometimes I think I let my brain get lazy and my body keeps following.
18. Boys are gross.
19. Boys are gross. (It deserves two lines)
20. My husband is seriously talented in SO many areas. I'm a little jealous.
21. I know how to change brake pads, a thermal couple on a water heater and how to light a pilot light amongst other household duties because of my Dad. I am grateful he has taught me useful things.
22. I really dislike most all sports, particularly watching them on TV.
23. They really don't consider dancing a sport for college purposes?
24. My kids think I am a maid and most days I feel totally under appreciated.
25. I love my kids madly even when they don't appreciate how easy life is for them.
26. I wonder if I will live to be old? If I do I hope I don't know what's going on.
27. Soon, all of my grandparents will be gone. Dementia is a horrible disease.
28. Cancer is worse.
29. I love all things fall.
30. I wish that some friendships wouldn't have to turn awkward.
31. I really dislike meetings.
32. I would love to get married to Dan all over again.
33. I wish there was time for Dan and I to go on dates once a week so we never forget why we started dating to begin with.
34. Getting old is hell
35. I can hardly believe 36 is only a couple of weeks away, officially closer to forty now. LOL. Love it.
36. I'm not as close to 40 as some. LMAO. Love it more!
37. I am grateful for all of my nieces and nephews and our close relationships.
38. I wish I was either short enough for petite pants or tall enough for average pants because I'm right in between and it sucks.
39. I wish I could kill at playing piano. Why did I ever stop taking lessons?
40. Life is too short and somedays it all feels much too long.

This is really all of the craziness I have to offer for now but I am sure I will post a "real" post soon.