I get it...

So this is a more serious post but hopefully some of the funny things will weave themselves in as well because let's face it...life is pretty funny at times.

Over the years of being a parent in a rough marriage and then a single mom and now a re-married mom and step-mom I have found that taking care of myself and my needs has always come second (sometimes last) to my kids needs. This is part of being a parent right?

Maryah was diagnosed with cancer and I let my body slip into MUCH bigger sizes and eating fast food, processed, bad for you foods became the norm because my focus was on more important things. I really spent NO time taking care of myself, exercising, eating healthy and doing things to keep up my stamina and immunities. This was fine at the time and I could take care of Maryah's health issues and manage her care and needs. I knew that during this time Morgan didn't get nearly the attention she needed and deserved from me and so the time that Maryah felt well and we had time all together we hung close to home, we watched movies, we ordered pizza and I made them sweets. I fed them love and of course hugs and bonding time also.

After I met Dan I learned even more that eating poorly was okay because he did it too. There wasn't enough motivation for me to change my already established bad habits. So chocolate cake in bed on my first sleepover won my heart and I was in love with this man who clearly had no issue with my size 18 ass! He could've ate the entire cake on Saturday, gained 10lbs over the weekend and lost it by Tuesday because of the manual labor his job required (not as much the case now as we are getting older).

I have now spent seven years continuing to set bad habits and follow them for not only me but for the kids. They over eat, they don't make healthy choices (most times) when they eat and I haven't done crap about it!

I continued to bathe Maryah in all of my attention and when it wasn't her it was my new relationship with Dan and then add new babies and step-daughters. There was also that ex-wife issue that hung over our head for the entire beginning of our relationship that made life even more stressful and demanding on top of dealing with cancer and managing a family of eight, a home and full-time employment.

I have been thinking a lot about that today and have come to realize that at each of these different times there were family and friends to look out for other kids, have overnights, give them some of the much needed attention I couldn't at the time.

For nearly two full weeks prior to Maryah passing I lived at the hospice center and it wasn't an easy task to make healthy food choices. If I wanted to eat it had to be something we already had there (that someone brought in) or local take out (Chinese, fast food, pizza). It felt burdensome to ask others to bring healthy meals for me when Maryah wasn't even eating. Some did, some brought food at times and it was so appreciated but most days I lived off of left over birthday cake and left over Mountain Dew (not diet) from Maryah's 16th b-day party. Other than changing my underwear and brushing my teeth I didn't do much but sit next to her. After she passed this is much how life continued, only I had more access to food/comfort and I did shower more often. I am sure my family appreciated that!

For nearly three years I have found solace and comfort in eating anything and everything that tastes good regardless of consequences. I am not one of those skinny twits who stops eating when stress hits. If that were the case I would be a size zero and not sitting her typing this post. Comfort food and LOTS of it! Needless to say I have put on nearly 70 lbs since losing my daughter. Nothing I eat is bringing her back and nothing I eat fills the hole. So...it needs to stop because my body is so beyond what I recognize of myself and how I feel inside.

Inside I feel like a young, healthy, beautiful woman and I know that I have all the qualities to be even better than I feel but I need to work and now is the time I need to work. I will be forty in three years and that is too close for comfort. It is time to lose and gain...confidence, happiness, stamina, energy, health!

Here is the part I finally get...when you WANT to finally take this step in your life it suddenly feels like you are juggling many balls and throwing this in makes all the others fall away.

This is my first week following Weight Watchers online and I am loving it! It takes some time each day to focus, plan and track. It also takes a bit of time each day to exercise (treadmill, Wii fit, etc). Today I missed appointments for both Tori and Libby and didn't even realize that I had until it was too late. This morning I forgot that Libby had choir early and I didn't bring her to school early (she can go tomorrow but it's the point of it). I DO NOT FORGET APPOINTMENTS! I rarely forget anything that's on the calendar for the kids. I have it written at home, at work and in my purse and on my phone. I DO NOT FORGET!

I am now a parent in a two parent household. I have a husband who is present and participates. I am not  depending on others to help with kid stuff and home stuff and meal stuff as I did for six years while Maryah was ill. It turns out that now, when I decide to take care of me...it feels like it is just too much and the plate broke when I decided to do this.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to make healthy, fit meals for a family of seven? One is so picky she eats literally six to twelve things and refuses to eat anything she might not like (trust me I have talked to Nutritionists, Dieticians, Pediatricians, etc and there is no hope right now), another one eats her weight in groceries daily, one is a snacker, one is a see and do kind of guy so he won't eat something if the big sisters won't and the baby well he is learning from everyone else so I am trying hard to get him into good habits now.

I got on the treadmill for an anticipated 20 minutes and only got to 15 before I had to stop because Danny was jumping on my bed while I was walking and then fell off. He knew I wasn't going to get off to stop him so he was just plain naughty and LAUGHING all the while! Wow!

Tonight I put on the Wii fit...figured I would take 15 minutes to do something while no one was bombarding me. Within five minutes the kids and hubby were all surrounding me, begging to use the Wii (the little guys) and watching me exercise. You know how much fun it is to have your active, healthy, thin adolescent children focus on your every move while you exercise? It is not fun at all. So that's that...I don't know quite how I will get that time in but I will have to figure something out.

The point of all this is...I get it...I finally get it...I get why Moms (that I previously thought were a little whiny...please don't hate me I feel bad enough) complain that they just don't get enough "me time". It turns out that "me time" is a fantasy thing that no mom has likely ever truly experienced between running kids to activities and appointments, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, working outside of the home, helping with homework, conferences and reading at least 30 minutes a night! Oh! By the way try to throw sleep in there somewhere!

Parenting is an extreme sport and six kids puts me at the heavy weight category (literally) and now I have to refine my training and win this shit by TKO.