The Time Has Come

Let me begin by stating the obvious, I am not a blogger! I use this as my outlet to write when I am feeling like I want to write but it is not a priority. I have such respect for people who blog on a regular basis or do any sort of writing on a regular basis. While I love to write I just can't find the time nor the motivation to put words to paper (or internet).

Moving on, I am writing this morning because I have finally realized that the time has come, maybe it has been here but I am just now realizing it.
I have arrived at the time where it has become uncomfortable for some to hear about Maryah's passing. I meet new people every day at work, there are new employees regularly and they don't know my story and with a slight mention of Maryah you can see them physically become uncomfortable.
This has even occurred with people I have known for what seems forever. People "defriending" on FB, avoid communicating directly with me and just plain don't know how to respond any longer. Grief is such an uncomfortable thing to have go on for such a long period of time. The only problem is it feels like the grief just began a moment or two ago. The grief will go with me to the grave and while I wish it would ease up, it hasn't. Although the waves of deep sadness come a little farther apart they are just as deep and painful as they were the moment I lost Maryah.
Now, let me state a disclaimer that I should have likely put out there to begin with. There is NO BLAME in this post, just observation and wonder on my behalf.  I do not expect anyone to continue grieving with our family as deeply at this point. Good intentions, kindness and compassion, love and nurturing came when it was most needed most through Maryah's illness and after her passing. For everything there is a season. The kindness shown will never be forgotten or taken for granted. My observation is just that I am unsure how to go about the  grieving process at this point. The time has come for me to make decisions about how, when, where and with whom I grieve and it is another milestone in this long process.
I will never please everyone with my talk of Jesus and how I praise God for so much in my life. I will likely make someone roll their eyes when I offer praise for what a great man I think my husband is. I am sure when I gush about my genuine appreciation for my family and friends there are many out in cyber world that are gagging over it all and that is just fine. I am willing to take the "hit".  I am just sitting in wonder today about how long it has been before now that it became uncomfortable for others.
I still have Maryah's FB page in place! Why? I have NO idea, there is no reason to continue other than for a reminder and a place to leave her an occasional message. It took me six months to turn her cell phone off. I was paying for a phone that sat turned off just so I could call and listen to the voice mail.
There is no logic in all of this. There is no making sense of it. It is just this ugly and yet beautiful thing called grief. I do not believe my grief is worse or better than someone who lost a parent, a grandparent, a best friend, a spouse, I just think it is awful all the way around. I think it is unnatural that a parent should bury their child at any age. I think it is something I never wish for anyone I know to feel.
That is the part that concerns me, it is my grief, it is going to be with me forever, do I really need for everyone around me to feel it for that long?
The time has come and it is not easy to make decisions about my grief. The time has come and I have realized that grief has just tagged along and been an unwelcome companion on the road of life. I didn't have to do much with it because it just hung around and occasionally I fed it and soothed it a bit. Now, the time has come for me to have to DO something with it and that seems like a lot of work. It is all a bit overwhelming. Grief is heavy and it is cumbersome and it feels like loading and unloading bricks all day long but you aren't building anything beautiful, you are just loading and unloading to move these heavy things around so they aren't in your way. The time has come and I hope that doing something today, making some decisions about my grief, help take away some of the burden so we can get back to a place where it is just my side-kick until the time comes again when I realize a change is necessary.

I get it...

So this is a more serious post but hopefully some of the funny things will weave themselves in as well because let's face it...life is pretty funny at times.

Over the years of being a parent in a rough marriage and then a single mom and now a re-married mom and step-mom I have found that taking care of myself and my needs has always come second (sometimes last) to my kids needs. This is part of being a parent right?

Maryah was diagnosed with cancer and I let my body slip into MUCH bigger sizes and eating fast food, processed, bad for you foods became the norm because my focus was on more important things. I really spent NO time taking care of myself, exercising, eating healthy and doing things to keep up my stamina and immunities. This was fine at the time and I could take care of Maryah's health issues and manage her care and needs. I knew that during this time Morgan didn't get nearly the attention she needed and deserved from me and so the time that Maryah felt well and we had time all together we hung close to home, we watched movies, we ordered pizza and I made them sweets. I fed them love and of course hugs and bonding time also.

After I met Dan I learned even more that eating poorly was okay because he did it too. There wasn't enough motivation for me to change my already established bad habits. So chocolate cake in bed on my first sleepover won my heart and I was in love with this man who clearly had no issue with my size 18 ass! He could've ate the entire cake on Saturday, gained 10lbs over the weekend and lost it by Tuesday because of the manual labor his job required (not as much the case now as we are getting older).

I have now spent seven years continuing to set bad habits and follow them for not only me but for the kids. They over eat, they don't make healthy choices (most times) when they eat and I haven't done crap about it!

I continued to bathe Maryah in all of my attention and when it wasn't her it was my new relationship with Dan and then add new babies and step-daughters. There was also that ex-wife issue that hung over our head for the entire beginning of our relationship that made life even more stressful and demanding on top of dealing with cancer and managing a family of eight, a home and full-time employment.

I have been thinking a lot about that today and have come to realize that at each of these different times there were family and friends to look out for other kids, have overnights, give them some of the much needed attention I couldn't at the time.

For nearly two full weeks prior to Maryah passing I lived at the hospice center and it wasn't an easy task to make healthy food choices. If I wanted to eat it had to be something we already had there (that someone brought in) or local take out (Chinese, fast food, pizza). It felt burdensome to ask others to bring healthy meals for me when Maryah wasn't even eating. Some did, some brought food at times and it was so appreciated but most days I lived off of left over birthday cake and left over Mountain Dew (not diet) from Maryah's 16th b-day party. Other than changing my underwear and brushing my teeth I didn't do much but sit next to her. After she passed this is much how life continued, only I had more access to food/comfort and I did shower more often. I am sure my family appreciated that!

For nearly three years I have found solace and comfort in eating anything and everything that tastes good regardless of consequences. I am not one of those skinny twits who stops eating when stress hits. If that were the case I would be a size zero and not sitting her typing this post. Comfort food and LOTS of it! Needless to say I have put on nearly 70 lbs since losing my daughter. Nothing I eat is bringing her back and nothing I eat fills the hole. So...it needs to stop because my body is so beyond what I recognize of myself and how I feel inside.

Inside I feel like a young, healthy, beautiful woman and I know that I have all the qualities to be even better than I feel but I need to work and now is the time I need to work. I will be forty in three years and that is too close for comfort. It is time to lose and gain...confidence, happiness, stamina, energy, health!

Here is the part I finally get...when you WANT to finally take this step in your life it suddenly feels like you are juggling many balls and throwing this in makes all the others fall away.

This is my first week following Weight Watchers online and I am loving it! It takes some time each day to focus, plan and track. It also takes a bit of time each day to exercise (treadmill, Wii fit, etc). Today I missed appointments for both Tori and Libby and didn't even realize that I had until it was too late. This morning I forgot that Libby had choir early and I didn't bring her to school early (she can go tomorrow but it's the point of it). I DO NOT FORGET APPOINTMENTS! I rarely forget anything that's on the calendar for the kids. I have it written at home, at work and in my purse and on my phone. I DO NOT FORGET!

I am now a parent in a two parent household. I have a husband who is present and participates. I am not  depending on others to help with kid stuff and home stuff and meal stuff as I did for six years while Maryah was ill. It turns out that now, when I decide to take care of me...it feels like it is just too much and the plate broke when I decided to do this.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to make healthy, fit meals for a family of seven? One is so picky she eats literally six to twelve things and refuses to eat anything she might not like (trust me I have talked to Nutritionists, Dieticians, Pediatricians, etc and there is no hope right now), another one eats her weight in groceries daily, one is a snacker, one is a see and do kind of guy so he won't eat something if the big sisters won't and the baby well he is learning from everyone else so I am trying hard to get him into good habits now.

I got on the treadmill for an anticipated 20 minutes and only got to 15 before I had to stop because Danny was jumping on my bed while I was walking and then fell off. He knew I wasn't going to get off to stop him so he was just plain naughty and LAUGHING all the while! Wow!

Tonight I put on the Wii fit...figured I would take 15 minutes to do something while no one was bombarding me. Within five minutes the kids and hubby were all surrounding me, begging to use the Wii (the little guys) and watching me exercise. You know how much fun it is to have your active, healthy, thin adolescent children focus on your every move while you exercise? It is not fun at all. So that's that...I don't know quite how I will get that time in but I will have to figure something out.

The point of all this is...I get it...I finally get it...I get why Moms (that I previously thought were a little whiny...please don't hate me I feel bad enough) complain that they just don't get enough "me time". It turns out that "me time" is a fantasy thing that no mom has likely ever truly experienced between running kids to activities and appointments, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, working outside of the home, helping with homework, conferences and reading at least 30 minutes a night! Oh! By the way try to throw sleep in there somewhere!

Parenting is an extreme sport and six kids puts me at the heavy weight category (literally) and now I have to refine my training and win this shit by TKO.