I can't quite express the swelling of grief this morning that has arisen simply because of a change in the Caringbridge "set up".
Obviously as time moves on technology changes and becomes faster, "easier" and more appropriate for the times. In this case it has brought an extreme amount of sadness that in fact time is moving forward when I still feel stuck in time.
Since Maryah's diagnosis in 2004 we have viewed many friend's CB pages and have noticed the change in format and it was inevitable that this would be the permanent change. It simply reinforces the permanancy of her absence today.
This is a reflection of the many changing emotions during my days. Some days you simply go with the flow and other days you come to a screeching hault when you realize "Holy cow...forever? Really? It has to be forever?" Those moments are hard to hurdle most days and take me down almost every time. It means nothing how extremely productive or motivated I was just the moment before that thought hit...it's done...gone and over. I can no longer function past the pain in my chest that comes each time I think that she won't be calling me today to say "I love you, Mom". These are the days when I yell at Him and want answers..."WHY? How could you take my mother and my daughter? HOW could you let me hurt this deeply again and expect me to live through it." I find myself negotiating with God during these moments "I will do anything you need from me, I will serve you every moment of my life if you will just insure that my passing comes before anyone else I love". I am sure that sounds ridiculous but nothing about grief seems sane quite honestly. Sometimes after my logic returns I remember that God's Grace is His gift to me no matter what I do or don't do to please Him. Thank you God! If it weren't for your Grace...well...who knows where I would be today.
I wish time would stand still for me, for all of us that grieve Maryah's loss and the loss of our other loved ones. I wish that some days we could just stand still, all of us and simply relish in the memories of peaceful and joyous times.
As I am studying with Morgan for an upcoming Science test this week, we are reading about the different types of motion one type of motion is constant motion and on this Earth, in this world we are in constant motion. It will not stop just because our mind tells us it should. Our hearts are in constant motion even when they feel completely broken. Then there is variable motion which slows down, speeds up, turns right and left, forward and backward and although the world I am on is in constant motion...I am in variable motion and they seem to resist each other at times.
The expectation that grief begins to lessen after a year or so...is not a realistic expectation when you have lost your child. The grief is as strong as it's ever been. Unlike the Caringbridge format...that will not change.
Showing posts with label Maryah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Maryah. Show all posts
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Jipped
Is it fair that when your child's life is cut short that you feel jipped? Every person, every book, every article about losing a child and the grief that follows explain emotions such as anger, sadness, loneliness, depression, even happiness. How about jipped? No one ever mention jipped and I feel friggin' jipped!!!!!
How about when it is the first day of what should have been your child's senior year of high school and then it will be the date that she should have gone to her senior homecoming dance, father daughter dance, prom, graduation, college, first job, wedding, first home, babies...when the hell do they talk about this feeling like I was robbed of all of those things?
It was all a part of the plan (my plan anyway). I had this lovely girl at age 18 but that was okay because I was going to kick ass as a mom. I was going to prove everyone wrong and that I could be an amazing parent, responsible and loving, nurturing and supportive and just because I was young didn't mean I couldn't be a good parent! I was going to raise my girl to be self sufficient, responsible, to be a contributing member of society and to be compassionate and loving and how to be strong like the other women I was raised around. My reward was going to be that I would be just 36 years old when she graduated high school and that I would be a young grandmother and that I would have enormous amounts of energy to play with my grandkids and teach them too. My mind painted pictures of dressing her in a long white gown and getting her ready for her wedding, helping her pick decorations for her first home and eventually of being by her side in a hospital room when she had a baby of her own. When I was a young girl I didn't fantasize about my own wedding and about my own fairytale. I had many aspirations to be many great things but my greatest fantasies began when Maryah was born and I began to let myself imagine her being the grown up young lady that I always wished for her to be.
I have been jipped. I have hit a wall and this is all I can focus on at the moment. I realize of course that I am not the only one who has been jipped by this loss but I certainly do feel very alone with my feelings. It's ok though, I want to be. No one ever tells you that you will always want to be alone either but it's true. I am sure it will pass but for now it feels really great to just be alone with all of this bull shit going on inside of my heart and mind.
I keep hearing about more and more kids that are passing, cancer is robbing their families the same way it robbed ours and it stings my already tortured heart. I cannot imagine anyone else having to bare this burden. I just want it to stop. Children should NOT die before their parents.
I hope that some day these feelings will turn into action and I will help to find a way to make it stop. Until then...here's one for the books:
Following the death of your child you will feel grief through many emotions. At different times you will feel sad, lonely, aching, heart wrenching pain, anger, depression, more heart wrenching pain, you might also feel happy now and again but you will feel that along with the heart wrenching pain so it will be bitter sweet. You will likely forever feel jipped.
I wish someone would print that in one of the many grief journals.
How about when it is the first day of what should have been your child's senior year of high school and then it will be the date that she should have gone to her senior homecoming dance, father daughter dance, prom, graduation, college, first job, wedding, first home, babies...when the hell do they talk about this feeling like I was robbed of all of those things?
It was all a part of the plan (my plan anyway). I had this lovely girl at age 18 but that was okay because I was going to kick ass as a mom. I was going to prove everyone wrong and that I could be an amazing parent, responsible and loving, nurturing and supportive and just because I was young didn't mean I couldn't be a good parent! I was going to raise my girl to be self sufficient, responsible, to be a contributing member of society and to be compassionate and loving and how to be strong like the other women I was raised around. My reward was going to be that I would be just 36 years old when she graduated high school and that I would be a young grandmother and that I would have enormous amounts of energy to play with my grandkids and teach them too. My mind painted pictures of dressing her in a long white gown and getting her ready for her wedding, helping her pick decorations for her first home and eventually of being by her side in a hospital room when she had a baby of her own. When I was a young girl I didn't fantasize about my own wedding and about my own fairytale. I had many aspirations to be many great things but my greatest fantasies began when Maryah was born and I began to let myself imagine her being the grown up young lady that I always wished for her to be.
I have been jipped. I have hit a wall and this is all I can focus on at the moment. I realize of course that I am not the only one who has been jipped by this loss but I certainly do feel very alone with my feelings. It's ok though, I want to be. No one ever tells you that you will always want to be alone either but it's true. I am sure it will pass but for now it feels really great to just be alone with all of this bull shit going on inside of my heart and mind.
I keep hearing about more and more kids that are passing, cancer is robbing their families the same way it robbed ours and it stings my already tortured heart. I cannot imagine anyone else having to bare this burden. I just want it to stop. Children should NOT die before their parents.
I hope that some day these feelings will turn into action and I will help to find a way to make it stop. Until then...here's one for the books:
Following the death of your child you will feel grief through many emotions. At different times you will feel sad, lonely, aching, heart wrenching pain, anger, depression, more heart wrenching pain, you might also feel happy now and again but you will feel that along with the heart wrenching pain so it will be bitter sweet. You will likely forever feel jipped.
I wish someone would print that in one of the many grief journals.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
The Moments That Count
I have been struggling to find the funny, the happy, the joyful things to write about until just now when I realized why. I can't write anything else, get beyond this "block" I am having until I write while the music is blaring her favorite songs, about my girl, my inspiration, MyRyah.
I have been racking my brain thinking about who I know, how well I know them and can I really contact these folks to ask them for help. Since I found out about Children's Lighthouse of MN (the first children's hospice/respite center) in MN I have been really planning in my head about reaching out to those I attended CDH with that have public attention. I have thought this but have not yet acted because I couldn't bring myself to reach out to these folks in fear that they would think I was "using" them somehow. I mean how would you not think that? When someone calls you or FBs you or e-mails you after 15+ years to say "hey do you remember me from HS?" It seems so fake, such bull shit and when you are trying to live genuinely it seems ridiculous!!!
Then I remembered clearly the moment that I sat on my living room couch with Zach looking on at our five year old daughter playing quietly on the floor and clearly hearing the conversation when we said "She will do great things and lead many people, some how, some way!" How could we have known? How could a parent know that when a child is so young? There has always been SOMETHING. I can't place exactly what one thing it is with Maryah but she had "it".
I imagine these men and women I am considering contacting have "it" too. I imagine them playing in their yards and homes as children and their parents thinking that there was something about them. I imagine this because I believe God has somehow marked those destined for greatness so that those of us here doing the every day work (important but not so widely public) can see and nurture that greatness. I imagine that the moments that we realize this are among the important moments in our lives. They were children, like my girl, they are great like my girl and they have the ability to touch and lead thousands like my girl. They need to know about this project, they need to know about this opportunity to use God's given gifts and partner with Maryah and make CLM a reality for our MN kids.
I sit here this morning and I know that there are big things that must be accomplished in Maryah's honor and CLM is one of them. I know that I need to get past my heart ache and work hard for her. I know that
I need to remember the moments that count:
"Thank you Mom for taking care of me for all this time."
"I love you Mom, you are my best friend."
"I don't want to die mommy but I'm not afraid"
Three squeezes of the hand, the stillness of her big, beautiful heart and knowing she was leaving my arms to be in my mother's arms and more importantly in God's arms.
The final hugs and kisses.
The touch of Dan's cheek to let him know how much he was loved by her.
The final words to the boy she loved and the best friend she will never be far from.
We all live our lives so that we might feel pure joy and the real moments that fill our heart and mind. I have lived many of these moments already. MY daughter was great...she was destined for greatness...she was given a job directly from God and she did it REALLY well...she did it fully and she used up her gift until the final breath of her life. She is MY daughter...how humbling! I hit my knees daily to thank God for giving me such a HUGE gift. He trusted me, simple me to care for someone so special and to nurture that greatness. I am truly beside myself with humility as I take that in.
She was here, her legacy will live on and I will find a way to make those contacts to speak to these people that are also destined for greatness and I pray to God that they will somehow know her spirit and speak up for the need for this hospice center. She didn't lead me to this project for nothing. I need to make big things happen exactly how she would have. I won't stop trying until my last breath.
The funny blog posts will come, they will flow once again but for now there is work to be done and my inspiration will come again through working on something so important. I have to find a way to move with my grief again, this will be a process every day for the remainder of my life.
She was here, she lived, she loved, she was here, she did everything that she wanted, she lived her life so that everyone would know she was here. She brought us together in her name to do something that will help so many others.
Today my blog is the link to my heart and has helped me to tap into those moments that count to bring me back from a place that was blurry.
I won't forget Maryah...I will keep living and taking care of all of the people and the things you've asked me to! I promise.
I have been racking my brain thinking about who I know, how well I know them and can I really contact these folks to ask them for help. Since I found out about Children's Lighthouse of MN (the first children's hospice/respite center) in MN I have been really planning in my head about reaching out to those I attended CDH with that have public attention. I have thought this but have not yet acted because I couldn't bring myself to reach out to these folks in fear that they would think I was "using" them somehow. I mean how would you not think that? When someone calls you or FBs you or e-mails you after 15+ years to say "hey do you remember me from HS?" It seems so fake, such bull shit and when you are trying to live genuinely it seems ridiculous!!!
Then I remembered clearly the moment that I sat on my living room couch with Zach looking on at our five year old daughter playing quietly on the floor and clearly hearing the conversation when we said "She will do great things and lead many people, some how, some way!" How could we have known? How could a parent know that when a child is so young? There has always been SOMETHING. I can't place exactly what one thing it is with Maryah but she had "it".
I imagine these men and women I am considering contacting have "it" too. I imagine them playing in their yards and homes as children and their parents thinking that there was something about them. I imagine this because I believe God has somehow marked those destined for greatness so that those of us here doing the every day work (important but not so widely public) can see and nurture that greatness. I imagine that the moments that we realize this are among the important moments in our lives. They were children, like my girl, they are great like my girl and they have the ability to touch and lead thousands like my girl. They need to know about this project, they need to know about this opportunity to use God's given gifts and partner with Maryah and make CLM a reality for our MN kids.
I sit here this morning and I know that there are big things that must be accomplished in Maryah's honor and CLM is one of them. I know that I need to get past my heart ache and work hard for her. I know that
I need to remember the moments that count:
"Thank you Mom for taking care of me for all this time."
"I love you Mom, you are my best friend."
"I don't want to die mommy but I'm not afraid"
Three squeezes of the hand, the stillness of her big, beautiful heart and knowing she was leaving my arms to be in my mother's arms and more importantly in God's arms.
The final hugs and kisses.
The touch of Dan's cheek to let him know how much he was loved by her.
The final words to the boy she loved and the best friend she will never be far from.
We all live our lives so that we might feel pure joy and the real moments that fill our heart and mind. I have lived many of these moments already. MY daughter was great...she was destined for greatness...she was given a job directly from God and she did it REALLY well...she did it fully and she used up her gift until the final breath of her life. She is MY daughter...how humbling! I hit my knees daily to thank God for giving me such a HUGE gift. He trusted me, simple me to care for someone so special and to nurture that greatness. I am truly beside myself with humility as I take that in.
She was here, her legacy will live on and I will find a way to make those contacts to speak to these people that are also destined for greatness and I pray to God that they will somehow know her spirit and speak up for the need for this hospice center. She didn't lead me to this project for nothing. I need to make big things happen exactly how she would have. I won't stop trying until my last breath.
The funny blog posts will come, they will flow once again but for now there is work to be done and my inspiration will come again through working on something so important. I have to find a way to move with my grief again, this will be a process every day for the remainder of my life.
She was here, she lived, she loved, she was here, she did everything that she wanted, she lived her life so that everyone would know she was here. She brought us together in her name to do something that will help so many others.
Today my blog is the link to my heart and has helped me to tap into those moments that count to bring me back from a place that was blurry.
I won't forget Maryah...I will keep living and taking care of all of the people and the things you've asked me to! I promise.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Ry Day Friday - The Cabin
Our family is preparing for our trip "up North" to my brother-in-law's cabin in Northern MN. We made this trip as an entire family with them for the first time last year and fortunately they weren't completely scared off and so we are making a run for the lake again next week. Last year wasn't the first year that I've been to the cabin though because for a number of years Maryah, Morgan and I would travel there with my sister and her family when it was just the three of us.
The first year James (my BIL) invited us he went all out (well, he really goes all out all the time he really is a most gracious host). He planned our drive up and a couple of stops along the way. We stopped at the "new" Paul Bunyon Land (for any of you that are from MN you understand that the original PBL was in Brainerd and is now in a new location, therefore...new). This stop was special because he had called ahead and there was this great sign that was welcomed Maryah and Paul Bunyon "spoke" to her and she was all excited and laughing and smiling the entire time. The kids had a blast and I was beside myself with joy.
We made it to the lake and the kids were immediately in the water either swimming or fishing or ready to go tubing behind the boat at all times.
We made a trip to Moon Dance Park which is unfortunately no longer there but the kids got to feed the deer, ride the go-carts, ride ponies, see other small farm animals, play at the playground, etc. This again brought many smiles. There were bonfires, smores, boat rides and sunset pontoon rides and never a moment that we weren't in complete glory. It was truly a gift to the three of us when we were going through some very hard times. My sister and her husband never failed to jump at an opportunity to help me and to help my girls feel a greater sense of family and helping us smile a ton even if just a weekend at a time. They took many opportunities to spend time and really try to bring happiness. James invited us yet again as a family to join them for a vacation after losing Maryah. He knew somehow that this would be a piece to helping our family heal and he was right. The kids had SO much fun and everything they did I could see Maryah in each of them and hear her laughter resonate through theirs. So we will venture up to the cabin again and spend time remembering these cherished memories and making some new ones as well. It's amazing how healing it is for me and I think for the kids too.
No matter the cost, no matter the time or energy my brother-in-law and my sister have always been there and have always jumped at the chance to be part of my life, to be part of my kids lives and to a strong and present force in our lives even when I wasn't strong enough to ask. There will never be a time in my life or my kids lives that they do not remember their fun memories of spending time with Uncle Nums and Auntie Jo Jo.
So this post has ended up being a little more about Jo and James than about Maryah but in the grand scheme of things it is really because of them that after my divorce and through Maryah's illness they were my rock and no matter the distance, no matter the cost (personal or financial) they kept me afloat when I needed it the most. I love them with all of my heart and soul and I could never thank them enough.
WARNING: Excessive Amounts of Pictures Attached!!!
Enjoy some pictures of times we've spent at the the cabin:
The first year James (my BIL) invited us he went all out (well, he really goes all out all the time he really is a most gracious host). He planned our drive up and a couple of stops along the way. We stopped at the "new" Paul Bunyon Land (for any of you that are from MN you understand that the original PBL was in Brainerd and is now in a new location, therefore...new). This stop was special because he had called ahead and there was this great sign that was welcomed Maryah and Paul Bunyon "spoke" to her and she was all excited and laughing and smiling the entire time. The kids had a blast and I was beside myself with joy.
We made it to the lake and the kids were immediately in the water either swimming or fishing or ready to go tubing behind the boat at all times.
We made a trip to Moon Dance Park which is unfortunately no longer there but the kids got to feed the deer, ride the go-carts, ride ponies, see other small farm animals, play at the playground, etc. This again brought many smiles. There were bonfires, smores, boat rides and sunset pontoon rides and never a moment that we weren't in complete glory. It was truly a gift to the three of us when we were going through some very hard times. My sister and her husband never failed to jump at an opportunity to help me and to help my girls feel a greater sense of family and helping us smile a ton even if just a weekend at a time. They took many opportunities to spend time and really try to bring happiness. James invited us yet again as a family to join them for a vacation after losing Maryah. He knew somehow that this would be a piece to helping our family heal and he was right. The kids had SO much fun and everything they did I could see Maryah in each of them and hear her laughter resonate through theirs. So we will venture up to the cabin again and spend time remembering these cherished memories and making some new ones as well. It's amazing how healing it is for me and I think for the kids too.
No matter the cost, no matter the time or energy my brother-in-law and my sister have always been there and have always jumped at the chance to be part of my life, to be part of my kids lives and to a strong and present force in our lives even when I wasn't strong enough to ask. There will never be a time in my life or my kids lives that they do not remember their fun memories of spending time with Uncle Nums and Auntie Jo Jo.
So this post has ended up being a little more about Jo and James than about Maryah but in the grand scheme of things it is really because of them that after my divorce and through Maryah's illness they were my rock and no matter the distance, no matter the cost (personal or financial) they kept me afloat when I needed it the most. I love them with all of my heart and soul and I could never thank them enough.
WARNING: Excessive Amounts of Pictures Attached!!!
Enjoy some pictures of times we've spent at the the cabin:
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| Paul Bunyon Land |
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| Uncle James, Shayna, Auntie Jo, Ry, Mo, Dorian |
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| Dorian, Maryah, Mo, Shayna, Mom |
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| Maryah and Dorian |
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| Mo and Ry |
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| Ry and Uncle James on the go-carts |
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| Fishing |
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| Golf cartin'! |
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| Fixin' lunch for the beach |
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| Arielle, Dorian, Mo, Shayna, Ry |
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| Mom, Ry and Mo |
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| Shayna, Ry, Mo, Dorian, Arielle |
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| Sunset Pontonn Ride (Ry and Dorian) |
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| Sisters!!! |
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| One of my all time favs! |
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| Ry and Auntie Jo |
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| Enjoying the wind in our hair (ha!) |
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| Fun boat ride! |
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| Uncle James, Ry and Auntie Jo enjoying a summer day! |
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| Sissy and James |
Friday, July 8, 2011
Ry Day Friday - No words...
Today is a tough day, well... let's not beat around the bush every day is a tough day but some days are a little easier to put a smile on and get through.
Today I will just share some of my favorite pictures of my girl with you:
Today I will just share some of my favorite pictures of my girl with you:
Women's Guild Fashion Show
Fierce
Nik and Justin's Wedding
Father/Daughter Dance
Bucket List Tattoo
The infamous cell phone
Game Night
Apple Orchard
Lovin' little brother Nicky Boy
Saturday Morning Laughs! This is what I live for!
Kaitlyn, Ry and Mom
"No goodbyes, just see you later!"
Maryah embraces all of Gods gifts in her life
Time with new baby brother Danny...she waited for your bubba!
Danny's Baptism - May 8, 2010
Maryah Therese @ 5 days old
Mom, Ry (9), Mo (3) - September 2003
Nauset Beach, Cape Cod 1995 (Ry 18 mos)
Friday, July 1, 2011
Ry Day Friday - "Dicks and Balls"
As I promised on Fridays I will share a new story about Maryah. I continue to think of many of the funny stories and this story in particular is one of my absolute favorites.
On a spring night just over two years ago Maryah had been upstairs in her bedroom. It was getting to be about 9:00 p.m. and Dan and I had gone to our room to watch an episode of The West Wing. Maryah text me from upstairs just to say "hi" and so after a few text messages back and forth I finally asked her what was "up" because she seemed a bit sad. She divulged that she had some hurt feelings over a boy and so I invited her to come down and "snuggems" with me (this is what we called snuggling from the time she was able to speak). A few moments later she was downstairs sitting in bed with Dan and me and we were talking about boys and how they get an extra dose of "dumb syndrome" genes that make them do "dumb" things to hurt girls feelings even though it's mostly non-intentional (if they only knew that "dumb MAN syndrome" is so much worse).
Anyway after a few laughs Maryah decided she was in need of some junk food therapy and her favorite junk food at the time was Dibs (you know the little pop in your mouth ice cream bon-bon type things). So...she gave Dad the sad puppy look and of course he was off to the store in seconds in hopes of helping our little girls heart mend through enormous amounts of chocolate and crap food!
When he returned he had several varieties of Dibs amongst other things like chips and chocolate (he SO totally understands the sweet/salty cravings). We all sat watching West Wing and eating Dibs when Maryah started laughing hysterically and snorting and rolling around attempting not to pee her pants. She finally caught a breath and stated "DICKS AND BALLS" and pointed to the Dibs. This is apparently what she and her friend (who shall remain nameless, cough, cough...Morgan C.) came up with for a name for the Dibs. Now, this is really funny mainly because my young teenage daughter was sitting in bed with her mother and step-father rolling around laughing as she is repeating the phrase "dicks and balls, dicks and balls...bahahhahahahahaha...dicks and balls!" Totally inappropriate for most conversations between parent and child but NOOOOOOO not in our house...it's all fair game and this particular night, knowing she needed cheering up made her laughter the sweetest thing I had ever heard.
To this day I will laugh hysterically when I see Dibs in the store...Dicks and Balls!
On a spring night just over two years ago Maryah had been upstairs in her bedroom. It was getting to be about 9:00 p.m. and Dan and I had gone to our room to watch an episode of The West Wing. Maryah text me from upstairs just to say "hi" and so after a few text messages back and forth I finally asked her what was "up" because she seemed a bit sad. She divulged that she had some hurt feelings over a boy and so I invited her to come down and "snuggems" with me (this is what we called snuggling from the time she was able to speak). A few moments later she was downstairs sitting in bed with Dan and me and we were talking about boys and how they get an extra dose of "dumb syndrome" genes that make them do "dumb" things to hurt girls feelings even though it's mostly non-intentional (if they only knew that "dumb MAN syndrome" is so much worse).
Anyway after a few laughs Maryah decided she was in need of some junk food therapy and her favorite junk food at the time was Dibs (you know the little pop in your mouth ice cream bon-bon type things). So...she gave Dad the sad puppy look and of course he was off to the store in seconds in hopes of helping our little girls heart mend through enormous amounts of chocolate and crap food!
When he returned he had several varieties of Dibs amongst other things like chips and chocolate (he SO totally understands the sweet/salty cravings). We all sat watching West Wing and eating Dibs when Maryah started laughing hysterically and snorting and rolling around attempting not to pee her pants. She finally caught a breath and stated "DICKS AND BALLS" and pointed to the Dibs. This is apparently what she and her friend (who shall remain nameless, cough, cough...Morgan C.) came up with for a name for the Dibs. Now, this is really funny mainly because my young teenage daughter was sitting in bed with her mother and step-father rolling around laughing as she is repeating the phrase "dicks and balls, dicks and balls...bahahhahahahahaha...dicks and balls!" Totally inappropriate for most conversations between parent and child but NOOOOOOO not in our house...it's all fair game and this particular night, knowing she needed cheering up made her laughter the sweetest thing I had ever heard.
To this day I will laugh hysterically when I see Dibs in the store...Dicks and Balls!
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