My Winnies

So...here they are! These are my Winnies, (from left to right behind my daughter) Ginny, Toni and Jill. Naoh, is the cutest little man next to mine and belongs to Ginny. This picture was taken at Maryah's Sweet 16 party.

There are stories, oh so many stories I could share about these ladies. I am not sure they would appreciate me sharing all of them so I will keep it tame. This blog entry is meant to be a tribute to them, a sort of Christmas gift to let them know what they mean to me and to share them with the rest of the world. Well, my little world I guess.

Early on in life as a teenager you have your group of friends and they come and go and you fight and they hate you and you hate them and then you all love each other and don't know what you would do without each other until one of you flirts with the others "crush" or wears the same outfit as someone, or doesn't invite someone to a get together. I have had some amazing friendships in my life time. I am one blessed lady. Honestly, some of the ladies that were my friends way back to Kindergarten, Junior High and High School are still my friends today. Those of us who aren't close and don't spend time together at minimum keep up on Facebook (which is all I think FB is good for). I think that is pretty amazing when you can grow up and find the people you once thought so much of and show each other the good side and the grown up side and the "I really am glad you were my friend despite all the drama"side.

We have our family, and if you are blessed as I am they remain in your life and you are richer for it. I am blessed with a sister who is my best friend, aunties and cousins that are some of my dearest friends and I wouldn't choose differently if I could.  I know some people who if their family wasn't their family they may never invite them into their home. That's a sad state to live in and I am glad that is not the case for me.

I have also had friends as a young woman in my 20s and early 30s and I am equally blessed to have met and known them. Some of them are no longer part of my life as we grew apart and there really wasn't any glue to hold us together, no background, memories or future. They were there for a season and they were great! They made my 20s and early 30s a blast and I am better for having known all of them (well most of them). There are many that I am grateful are part of our lives yet today.

As I quickly approach my 40s I can also clearly state that I have "cleaned my closet" as well. There are many people who are no longer a part of my life because they weren't supposed to be for one reason or another. I think many people do this as they marry, have children and grow more mature (although I can't always claim maturity). We tend to focus more on family and increasingly busy schedules. You slowly begin to realize that there are just a few left and those are the ones that will remain. They will be your "go to gals" for everything good, bad and ugly for the long haul.

Ginny, Toni and Jill are those gals for me. My Winnies, the three women who know way more than anyone else does or will ever know about me. They are the women who know before I do most days that I am hurting, sad, struggling, scared, happy, excited even before I know. These are the women who when I am hiding from the world will call me out and make me leave the dark and come back into the light when I think there will never be any again. These are the women...

The Winnies...why the Winnies? It all goes back to one summer night, a couple pitchers of sangria, a bunch of packs of smokes and laughter that I am sure kept the neighbors awake until the wee hours. I do not know anyone who could have ever spun such exaggerated stories from one simple comment. "When we are old we should all have a Winnebago that we travel around in!" Over the past eight years we have built on this idea time and time again each time it becomes a bit more exaggerated. The jokes, the laughter the out of the blue references to this long, drawn out story have evoked the kind of laughter that makes your stomach hurt, makes you nearly pee your pants, the can't even catch your breath, tears running down your face kind of laughter!

There are very few people in this world who not only understand my dark humor but reciprocate it. Not many people whom I would accept a call from where they demand that I come and join them for dinner and drinks because "I can't play the dead kid card forever". I know, I know it sounds so wrong but these are the friends that catch me when I am falling apart and help put me back together. These are the friends that loved Maryah as if she were their own. These are the friends that were with me EVERY SINGLE STEP of the way as we journeyed through cancer. These are the friends that several days after Maryah's funeral came over to watch the little boys while we tried to make it through a dance recital for the other girls and without our first dancer. They were the ones waiting with booze in hand when I walked back through the door to numb the pain. They know me, inside and out. They cry when I hurt and I cry when they hurt.

We have and will continue to face so many things that life brings our way. We will handle these things wonderfully and poorly and we will hold each other up.  When we can do nothing else we will listen, we will hug, we will laugh and we will plan our golden years in our Winnebagos.

At the end of our lives we will stand around each others graves as we are committed to the Lord and we will sob, we will ache, we will hurt and then... we will dance and laugh and remember all right there on top of each others graves while people look on (as they always seem to do) and think that we are crazy!

Thank you my dear and beautiful friends for never being far when I need you. For always remembering that nothing is too big for us to overcome and for making sure to point out my saggy boobs, my chin hair and noticing when I lose 1/10 of a pound. By the way Toni has the best boobs of all of us!

I love you all so very much and always will!

The Time Has Come

Let me begin by stating the obvious, I am not a blogger! I use this as my outlet to write when I am feeling like I want to write but it is not a priority. I have such respect for people who blog on a regular basis or do any sort of writing on a regular basis. While I love to write I just can't find the time nor the motivation to put words to paper (or internet).

Moving on, I am writing this morning because I have finally realized that the time has come, maybe it has been here but I am just now realizing it.
I have arrived at the time where it has become uncomfortable for some to hear about Maryah's passing. I meet new people every day at work, there are new employees regularly and they don't know my story and with a slight mention of Maryah you can see them physically become uncomfortable.
This has even occurred with people I have known for what seems forever. People "defriending" on FB, avoid communicating directly with me and just plain don't know how to respond any longer. Grief is such an uncomfortable thing to have go on for such a long period of time. The only problem is it feels like the grief just began a moment or two ago. The grief will go with me to the grave and while I wish it would ease up, it hasn't. Although the waves of deep sadness come a little farther apart they are just as deep and painful as they were the moment I lost Maryah.
Now, let me state a disclaimer that I should have likely put out there to begin with. There is NO BLAME in this post, just observation and wonder on my behalf.  I do not expect anyone to continue grieving with our family as deeply at this point. Good intentions, kindness and compassion, love and nurturing came when it was most needed most through Maryah's illness and after her passing. For everything there is a season. The kindness shown will never be forgotten or taken for granted. My observation is just that I am unsure how to go about the  grieving process at this point. The time has come for me to make decisions about how, when, where and with whom I grieve and it is another milestone in this long process.
I will never please everyone with my talk of Jesus and how I praise God for so much in my life. I will likely make someone roll their eyes when I offer praise for what a great man I think my husband is. I am sure when I gush about my genuine appreciation for my family and friends there are many out in cyber world that are gagging over it all and that is just fine. I am willing to take the "hit".  I am just sitting in wonder today about how long it has been before now that it became uncomfortable for others.
I still have Maryah's FB page in place! Why? I have NO idea, there is no reason to continue other than for a reminder and a place to leave her an occasional message. It took me six months to turn her cell phone off. I was paying for a phone that sat turned off just so I could call and listen to the voice mail.
There is no logic in all of this. There is no making sense of it. It is just this ugly and yet beautiful thing called grief. I do not believe my grief is worse or better than someone who lost a parent, a grandparent, a best friend, a spouse, I just think it is awful all the way around. I think it is unnatural that a parent should bury their child at any age. I think it is something I never wish for anyone I know to feel.
That is the part that concerns me, it is my grief, it is going to be with me forever, do I really need for everyone around me to feel it for that long?
The time has come and it is not easy to make decisions about my grief. The time has come and I have realized that grief has just tagged along and been an unwelcome companion on the road of life. I didn't have to do much with it because it just hung around and occasionally I fed it and soothed it a bit. Now, the time has come for me to have to DO something with it and that seems like a lot of work. It is all a bit overwhelming. Grief is heavy and it is cumbersome and it feels like loading and unloading bricks all day long but you aren't building anything beautiful, you are just loading and unloading to move these heavy things around so they aren't in your way. The time has come and I hope that doing something today, making some decisions about my grief, help take away some of the burden so we can get back to a place where it is just my side-kick until the time comes again when I realize a change is necessary.

I get it...

So this is a more serious post but hopefully some of the funny things will weave themselves in as well because let's face it...life is pretty funny at times.

Over the years of being a parent in a rough marriage and then a single mom and now a re-married mom and step-mom I have found that taking care of myself and my needs has always come second (sometimes last) to my kids needs. This is part of being a parent right?

Maryah was diagnosed with cancer and I let my body slip into MUCH bigger sizes and eating fast food, processed, bad for you foods became the norm because my focus was on more important things. I really spent NO time taking care of myself, exercising, eating healthy and doing things to keep up my stamina and immunities. This was fine at the time and I could take care of Maryah's health issues and manage her care and needs. I knew that during this time Morgan didn't get nearly the attention she needed and deserved from me and so the time that Maryah felt well and we had time all together we hung close to home, we watched movies, we ordered pizza and I made them sweets. I fed them love and of course hugs and bonding time also.

After I met Dan I learned even more that eating poorly was okay because he did it too. There wasn't enough motivation for me to change my already established bad habits. So chocolate cake in bed on my first sleepover won my heart and I was in love with this man who clearly had no issue with my size 18 ass! He could've ate the entire cake on Saturday, gained 10lbs over the weekend and lost it by Tuesday because of the manual labor his job required (not as much the case now as we are getting older).

I have now spent seven years continuing to set bad habits and follow them for not only me but for the kids. They over eat, they don't make healthy choices (most times) when they eat and I haven't done crap about it!

I continued to bathe Maryah in all of my attention and when it wasn't her it was my new relationship with Dan and then add new babies and step-daughters. There was also that ex-wife issue that hung over our head for the entire beginning of our relationship that made life even more stressful and demanding on top of dealing with cancer and managing a family of eight, a home and full-time employment.

I have been thinking a lot about that today and have come to realize that at each of these different times there were family and friends to look out for other kids, have overnights, give them some of the much needed attention I couldn't at the time.

For nearly two full weeks prior to Maryah passing I lived at the hospice center and it wasn't an easy task to make healthy food choices. If I wanted to eat it had to be something we already had there (that someone brought in) or local take out (Chinese, fast food, pizza). It felt burdensome to ask others to bring healthy meals for me when Maryah wasn't even eating. Some did, some brought food at times and it was so appreciated but most days I lived off of left over birthday cake and left over Mountain Dew (not diet) from Maryah's 16th b-day party. Other than changing my underwear and brushing my teeth I didn't do much but sit next to her. After she passed this is much how life continued, only I had more access to food/comfort and I did shower more often. I am sure my family appreciated that!

For nearly three years I have found solace and comfort in eating anything and everything that tastes good regardless of consequences. I am not one of those skinny twits who stops eating when stress hits. If that were the case I would be a size zero and not sitting her typing this post. Comfort food and LOTS of it! Needless to say I have put on nearly 70 lbs since losing my daughter. Nothing I eat is bringing her back and nothing I eat fills the hole. So...it needs to stop because my body is so beyond what I recognize of myself and how I feel inside.

Inside I feel like a young, healthy, beautiful woman and I know that I have all the qualities to be even better than I feel but I need to work and now is the time I need to work. I will be forty in three years and that is too close for comfort. It is time to lose and gain...confidence, happiness, stamina, energy, health!

Here is the part I finally get...when you WANT to finally take this step in your life it suddenly feels like you are juggling many balls and throwing this in makes all the others fall away.

This is my first week following Weight Watchers online and I am loving it! It takes some time each day to focus, plan and track. It also takes a bit of time each day to exercise (treadmill, Wii fit, etc). Today I missed appointments for both Tori and Libby and didn't even realize that I had until it was too late. This morning I forgot that Libby had choir early and I didn't bring her to school early (she can go tomorrow but it's the point of it). I DO NOT FORGET APPOINTMENTS! I rarely forget anything that's on the calendar for the kids. I have it written at home, at work and in my purse and on my phone. I DO NOT FORGET!

I am now a parent in a two parent household. I have a husband who is present and participates. I am not  depending on others to help with kid stuff and home stuff and meal stuff as I did for six years while Maryah was ill. It turns out that now, when I decide to take care of me...it feels like it is just too much and the plate broke when I decided to do this.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to make healthy, fit meals for a family of seven? One is so picky she eats literally six to twelve things and refuses to eat anything she might not like (trust me I have talked to Nutritionists, Dieticians, Pediatricians, etc and there is no hope right now), another one eats her weight in groceries daily, one is a snacker, one is a see and do kind of guy so he won't eat something if the big sisters won't and the baby well he is learning from everyone else so I am trying hard to get him into good habits now.

I got on the treadmill for an anticipated 20 minutes and only got to 15 before I had to stop because Danny was jumping on my bed while I was walking and then fell off. He knew I wasn't going to get off to stop him so he was just plain naughty and LAUGHING all the while! Wow!

Tonight I put on the Wii fit...figured I would take 15 minutes to do something while no one was bombarding me. Within five minutes the kids and hubby were all surrounding me, begging to use the Wii (the little guys) and watching me exercise. You know how much fun it is to have your active, healthy, thin adolescent children focus on your every move while you exercise? It is not fun at all. So that's that...I don't know quite how I will get that time in but I will have to figure something out.

The point of all this is...I get it...I finally get it...I get why Moms (that I previously thought were a little whiny...please don't hate me I feel bad enough) complain that they just don't get enough "me time". It turns out that "me time" is a fantasy thing that no mom has likely ever truly experienced between running kids to activities and appointments, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, working outside of the home, helping with homework, conferences and reading at least 30 minutes a night! Oh! By the way try to throw sleep in there somewhere!

Parenting is an extreme sport and six kids puts me at the heavy weight category (literally) and now I have to refine my training and win this shit by TKO.

But...I want to wave to you!

Inevitably the day will come when my two little guys won't feel the need to wave to me any longer. This morning as Nick and Libby were walking down the driveway and off to the school bus my heart sank. Nick asked just before they left if I would wave to him when he left. He asks me this every morning and every morning my answer is the same, "of course!". It's the absolute best part of my day when Nick wants to wave.

As he stopped every five feet to look back and wave to me, blow me an occasional kiss, my eyes were welling up. I couldn't help but to remember that this will end some day soon and he'll be running down the driveway, hopping in the car and taking off with his buddies or worse yet, his girl friend!

Danny and Nick came later in my life and I can't tell you just how much I appreciate the little things such as hugs, waves, blowing kisses and the need for a hug that will fix every boo boo. All of our kids are Daddy's except Danny who seems to have clung to me (for a bit anyway). It's the best feeling in the world when your little ones want "mama do it". Of course it can be horribly damn irritating also when they refuse to let any one touch them or help them and scream in fits of tantrum until "mama do it". Even then I don't wish for them to grow up or out of these sweet times.

I have ranted and raved about my boys and how...well...absolutely freaking horrible they can be. They can drive me to wish for bed time three hours early and want to run from the house, drive away and scream my brains out. They fight, they nit pick, they bicker, they are gross, they pick their nose, the older one pees on the toilet, the younger one refuses to pee anywhere but his diaper. They are GROSS! They are dirty, they are noisy, they are mess making trolls!

The moment they ask me for a second hug or Danny wants to hold my hand or cuddle with me it's all gone. All of the horrendous behavior is gone, just like that. The magic of children. God made us forget the pain of labor, the horrible behavior the messes and the fighting just for moments like this so he could show us just how blessed we are.

My guys are pretty awesome and I am one blessed mama!

Can't wait for school to be over so I can wave!

Boy! Blogging? Who has the time?

Coming here and sharing thoughts, ideas, funny moments, sad moments...I sure needed a break. As much as I love to write and to share I have found it rather difficult to find the time to do so. Ideas run through my head all the time but finding the time to sit down and put them on paper or in a blog has been near impossible. However, with that being said I am so glad I have this avenue to do all of the above as I feel this is the best therapy I could find for myself!

Three years ago I remember talking with Dan and talking about our "three year plan". Nick was going to start kindergarten (no more daycare costs) and Dan would begin looking for a job that isn't so tough on the bod (you know we are getting older and the aches and pains come more often). It's funny I remember feeling that relief for a fleeting moment and then...I found out I was pregnant with Danny, about two months pregnant with Danny... that was a shocker!

So here we are now, three years later (NO! I am not pregnant again!) and Nick is starting kindergarten and we are looking at a new three year plan when Danny will be finishing daycare, Tori will begin college, Morgan will begin high school and we will be moving right along?! Right?!?! Somehow I think planning is a mistake! Why, do you ask? Well the track record hasn't been so great!

Speaking of Nick and Kindergarten I am praying to GOD that he is ready. I keep thinking he should be and we've prepared him well and then he pees all over the toilet and the floor and/or he doesn't wipe very well (how do I know? I WASH THE UNDERWEAR), he runs around screaming like a wild man and he can't seem to sit still. I feel so for his teacher. We are feeling positive that he got the teacher we hoped for. She is young, she has high energy and she goes to our church...she's a Christian so she'll forgive us right? LOL I  sure hope so or Danny is in trouble when he gets to school.
I know there are many parents who hold their children back but honestly I am a firm believer in children being sponges and the earlier they begin to learn more they CAN take it in and retain it...just as soon as they stop climbing on tables and chairs and putting various small toys and food items in their noses!

This year we will be venturing into the new world of junior high, kindergarten, a toddler going to daycare for the first time without big brother and FOUR days a week of dance...hahaha! I would like to share with you that babies, diapers, formula, waking up at night sometimes more than once is a breeze compared to raising teens and tweens. If you thought it was expensive and time consuming in the beginning...watch out! School starts on Tuesday and I am quite certain I have already spent every dime to my name and written out about a dozen different checks, stuffed cash into half a dozen envelopes and filled out every form known to man. We have exactly one week to get our groove with school and homework before the dance craze begins...whew! I am tired just writing about it.

Did I mention I am getting older?! It's amazing the aches and pains, loss of great eye sight, etc that come with age. I totally thought my sister and brother were making that shit up to scare me! NOT!
It's okay, I am still the baby of the family and I enjoy reminding them of this because in doing so it makes me feel, for just  a fleeting moment that I am not so old after all! (Sorry Greg and Joanne that you are both so old).

Today is September 1st and it is the beginning of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month (the color is gold). I am remembering my baby girl and how she would have started college this year. Last spring when CDH presented us with her diploma at graduation I thought I would simply disappear I was so sad. I have since renewed my strength and drive to fight this beast and to continue helping Children's Lighthouse to open the first Children's Hospice and Respite Center in the Midwest. It will happen, it must. Our children and their families deserve this space and this care.

So, summer is coming to an end and I know I won't be back to write for awhile but I wanted to share some of the happenings of Perez Party of Eight and wish you all a wonderful school year!  I hope to find some humor in the chaos to share here again! Enjoy some of our pictures from our summer vacation with my sissy and family!

Inspiration

Yes, I am here. On my blog. With nothing to write. I have had a block for a very long time. I can't seem to find anything that inspires me to write. There is that thing I call life but sometimes it just seems so crazy...all of it!

We have had several months of rearranging our family schedules. Kids that used to go to another parent for part of week no longer do, kids that still go to another parent are missed even more. The boys are growing and beginning to test my nerves at every turn. Work seems to be getting busier for me and slower for Dan which means more stress for and less money for the bills (Dan's work is production based).

Danny will be two in a month and a half and he is still refusing to talk using words just loud grunts, screams and pointing to things. I wonder if he will ever talk and by the way I've discovered he is completely pig headed! He bites and hits when he's pissed and he's smart as hell so he knows exactly what everyone is saying to him but whether he chooses to pay you any attention is a decision he has decided is only his own!

Nick will be joining the ranks of Kindergartners everywhere in the fall so we are filling out endless paperwork, getting ready for kindergarten informational nights at school and the unending questions of "will I have a backpack?" "will I take the bus?" "will I ride the bus with the girls?" "will I have a teacher?" and the fear that I have suddenly come into with my own questions of "will he finally learn to zipper his coat?", "will he remember to go to the bathroom and when he does will he piss all over everywhere like he does at home?" "will he run his mouth non-stop in class all day and will they finally come and ask me to take him out of the school because he won't shut the hell up?" I've never had kindergarten anxiety with any of my kids but suddenly when Nick is about to go? I'm freaked right the hell out!

The girls are all seemingly getting along well but you know what happens when you think that's the case...there is underlying bitterness because one gets away with something the other doesn't think is fair. Parents are idiots and we don't treat one or the other fairly depending on what we have done for them that day. They are beginning to get into some of the things I would expect teen, tween, and pre-ad girls to get into...bickering, snide remarks under their breath or written in a journal, accusations of how parents are horrible and just don't know how they feel and make all kinds of UNFAIR ASSUMPTIONS! I truly think they must think we (parents) are the dumbest assholes on Earth. On the good side they seem to be learning (at least somewhat) that they are expected to clean up after themselves, help out around the house and at least act like they give a damn about anything. However, I am still unsure how one human being can spend several hours cleaning and organizing a bedroom only to turn it in to a post-hurricane disaster within 24 hours after said cleaning spree! OMG! It makes me want to dig my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon!

Marriage is a daily challenge just in trying to stay awake past 9:00 p.m. to engage in conversation. Dates when you have five kids are few and far in between and it's always a challenge to have any type of exchange of thoughts/words when the boys are around because it's like a non-stop wrestling match or roller derby going on around you at all times.

I used to be one of those moms that needed to clean my house regularly, pick up everything so it was neat and tidy every night. This included vacuuming, sweeping, cleaning toilets, etc....HELL NO! Who in their right mind has time for that shit? I can barely keep up cooking and cleaning the kitchen and remembering to feed/water the dog (although the kids are slowly remembering that she is their dog too and they even feed her once in awhile).

Such is life right? It will never be easy and no one ever promised fair. I don't expect that it wil get easier before it gets a little bit harder! So until a time when I miss the kids, the noise, the messes, the laughter, the craziness sorely I will put a smile on daily, thank my lucky stars that I am so blessed and keep trying to find inspiration in the craziness to write.

I'm still stuck in my book writing mode: You Can't Make This Shit Up!

Happy Friday!

Richard Pryor

This morning as I was scanning my news feed on FB I realized that I have SOOOO much to write about but most of it must remain contained for self-preservation. If I were to really haul off and rant on this blog the way I rant in my head every single day I would likely really piss some people off. In my mind it seems like comedy, an error of comedies really.

I happen to swear A LOT and yes, I realize this does not shock many of you and yes, I realize that swearing is a sure sign of ignorance since my mind cannot wrap itself around intelligent words in place of the MANY cuss words I choose to use instead. I do have a filter and use it regularly. In my profession I must, at home I must, at most every family function I must, in front of my father (most days) I must, etc, etc, etc. I do have SOME respectable qualities. Most of my respectable qualities are glued firmly in place with my mother's words from the MN State Fair after witnessing two teenagers groping, practically dry humping on the curb..."Rachel, honey there is a time and a place for everything...don't ever forget that!" I never have.

When I choose to swear I can hear in my mind the times when I was a child and Richard Pryor would be on TV for some stand up routine or another (this was RIGHT after cable TV came out) and every other word was profane. I remember clear as a bell my mother's words "That is just filth, that man has nothing funny to say, it's all just filth!" Ahhhh...yes mother, wouldn't you be proud of your baby girl now since I think the word FUCK is just so fulfilling to say sometimes! It really serves so many purposes on any given day!

So, beyond inappropriate language are my thoughts of "Holy Shitballs! Some people are the whiniest, Debbie downer, no social filter, incredibly strange people!" Why then, do you ask, are they my friends on FB? Well...you ALL know how that goes! You don't unfriend someone from FB without the backlash of hell that comes with it. If you can easily do it without anyone noticing because they weren't really anyone that should have been on there to begin with...well, that's no problem. If they are someone that would absolutely notice...it's just taboo! This whole social network etiquette thing has got me losing my mind!

I am quite sorry you aren't feeling well, friend and that you're husband lost his job and is looking...networking is great in my opinion. Lord how I can relate that your kids are making you crazy today and the baby was up all night. I empathize with your insomnia and how much you detest Monday mornings. Work is overwhelming and I will always pray for you whenever you ask and for whatever you ask. However, while eating my Cheerios and perusing FB I don't really feel so good knowing that you have been shitting your brains out and puking everywhere for days on end. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I am sorry that you have ended a relationship and I will be there to encourage you because I honestly care when people aren't having an easy time. You, hey you! Over there in FB land...I don't need to know that you did the walk of shame this morning after suffering a small lapse of drunken black out last night! WOW! Aren't you like 40 now? I don't need to know you are suffering from cramps, etc. I enjoy your drunken pictures where you look as though you've pissed yourself and are having epileptic seizures when in reality it was your b-day and you were just out for a "Great birthday last night! Had SO much fun! Thanks to all my peeps!" Holy moly rocky...the funny shit I can pull from FB every morning at 6:00 a.m. to get me feeling pretty good about my day ahead.

My disclaimer of course is that I have posted crazy, stupid, depressing, unfiltered, raging, loonatic type status updates as well. If you should choose to shove them down my throat after reading this blog...try and remember...this is just my FOR FUN writing. It's not meant for any one person, I do not call people out in a subtle manner such as this...I come direct with that shit! Have a laugh...enjoy the read and don't get your undies in a bunch!

The Dinner Table

Sometimes our dinner table resembles a group of special needs children as so gently pointed out by my husband last night after the kids had cleared out.

The night was a little hurried in that we had school conferences and needed to get supper in before the hustle to get to school, talk to teachers, pick up fundraiser purchases and then get another child off to dance lessons.

I need to give you a little preliminary on our kids before I tell you Dan's description of the scene at our table. First, there is Tori who is generally stuffed up even after removal of tonsils and adenoids years ago, this makes it nearly impossible to chew with her mouth closed. Then there is Morgan and she has been sniffling almost non-stop for the past month and a half, this seems to be a nervous habit rather than just a cold creeping in. Libby just simply doesn't eat and it is a battle over whether or not she will try something that I've made that night.  Then there is Nick who we darn near have to tie to the chair to keep him sitting and he makes noise non-stop and not just the cute little four-year-old noise but annoying airplane, gun shooting, repetitive noise that is sometimes accompanied by him swaying his body side-to-side until he almost falls off the chair or in circular motion until we're all ready to throw up. Danny...well he refuses to sit in his high chair these days so when we put him at the table with everyone else he is up, down, up down, up down and I can't imagine where he learns his crazy table manners from. When he does actually eat, half the food just lands on the chair or floor. Sometimes he just throws his body up on the table so he can reach the fruit bowl or whatever else he wants that we've moved just out of his reach. Last night he tossed the salad in the bowl for the entire meal. He would scream like an animal being tortured if we took the bowl to dish up some salad.

So after dinner was over Dan looks at me, totally defeated and he says "Do you ever think our dinner table resembles the short bus?" (Disclaimer: We know this is a totally inappropriate and asshole comparison...I KNOW it sounds mean but we have great love for the mentally challenged).

I laugh and ask him what he means...he then says while pointing to each kids empty chair..."This one here chews like this (mimics a cow chewing it's cud), that one there is constantly (sniffles extremely loud), then there's that one and he's all (rolls his body in a circle and makes some insane noise) and then there's that one (gets down and then up and then stirs the salad left in the bowl). Then there is this one (makes a few circles on his plate with his fork which made a horrific noise). He looked at me with so much seriousness that I couldn't help but break down laughing.

Many nights this is how it is at our house. The kids are loud, they are unique in their good and their annoying ways. I love every minute of it but somedays it just simply feels...well...CRAZY!

Thank God we can laugh about it.

Times They Are a Changin'

I can't quite express the swelling of grief this morning that has arisen simply because of a change in the Caringbridge "set up".

Obviously as time moves on technology changes and becomes faster, "easier" and more appropriate for the times. In this case it has brought an extreme amount of sadness that in fact time is moving forward when I still feel stuck in time.

Since Maryah's diagnosis in 2004 we have viewed many friend's CB pages and have noticed the change in format and it was inevitable that this would be the permanent change. It simply reinforces the permanancy of her absence today.

This is a reflection of the many changing emotions during my days. Some days you simply go with the flow and other days you come to a screeching hault when you realize "Holy cow...forever? Really? It has to be forever?" Those moments are hard to hurdle most days and take me down almost every time. It means nothing how extremely productive or motivated I was just the moment before that thought hit...it's done...gone and over. I can no longer function past the pain in my chest that comes each time I think that she won't be calling me today to say "I love you, Mom". These are the days when I yell at Him and want answers..."WHY? How could you take my mother and my daughter? HOW could you let me hurt this deeply again and expect me to live through it." I find myself negotiating with God during these moments "I will do anything you need from me, I will serve you every moment of my life if you will just insure that my passing comes before anyone else I love". I am sure that sounds ridiculous but nothing about grief seems sane quite honestly. Sometimes after my logic returns I remember that God's Grace is His gift to me no matter what I do or don't do to please Him. Thank you God! If it weren't for your Grace...well...who knows where I would be today.

I wish time would stand still for me, for all of us that grieve Maryah's loss and the loss of our other loved ones. I wish that some days we could just stand still, all of us and simply relish in the memories of peaceful and joyous times.

As I am studying with Morgan for an upcoming Science test this week, we are reading about the different types of motion one type of motion is constant motion and on this Earth, in this world we are in constant motion. It will not stop just because our mind tells us it should. Our hearts are in constant motion even when they feel completely broken. Then there is variable motion which slows down, speeds up, turns right and left, forward and backward and although the world I am on is in constant motion...I am in variable motion and they seem to resist each other at times.

The expectation that grief begins to lessen after a year or so...is not a realistic expectation when you have lost your child. The grief is as strong as it's ever been. Unlike the Caringbridge format...that will not change.

Parenthood (part 2 of 1 billion)

Do you ever just get to a point where you honestly can’t take it anymore? You just throw your hands up and say “whatever happens it will happen without my help!”

I am there today! I am there and have been visiting for a while now. Just how many times do you have to ask those that are part of a family unit to take part in the tasks that are required to keep the household running smoothly? I am unsure how many times I can ask “can you feed the dog?”, can you turn your socks and clothes right side out before you bring them to the laundry?”, “can you pick up after yourself?”, “can you keep your bedroom clean for longer than five minutes?” “can you walk the dog?”, “can you let the dog out/in?” This is just the litany of things that happens within 15 minutes of any given day. This includes my wonderful, hard-working, husband most days. While I am not at my outside job taking care of over 150 people and their daily problems I am at home running children from home to dance, dance to home, home to chiropractor, chiropractor to home. This includes time in between my hours of driving to help with homework, reminders to read and calling out weekly spelling words while attempting to stand over the stove to cook a nutritious meal that some of the children curl their nose at or say “gross” or “I don’t like that” or just slyly push it around, attempting to make it look like they’ve eaten it while they wait for the moment they think I’m not looking and run to the trash to clear their plate. They will however swarm and treat me like the goddess of all mothers if I mention a treat, dessert, some other fat filled, sugar filled morsel.

Why would this be so upsetting you ask? They’re children you say? Yes, they are they are children of many dynamics. I have one child missing from our lives, which is a minute-to-minute struggle for me. I have a child who struggles with that almost equally to me and on top of that she talks incessantly because she is a child who has had no choice but to become part of two large families with many children in each and craves one-on-one attention with every ounce of her being from. Then there are my step-daughters who have many issues to deal with since when they have no choice but to travel to their other parent’s house where they deal with alcoholism, erratic behavior and in turn act out, are depressed at times and I find myself working daily to help with these issues since the Court system certainly won’t help us. Thank you Washington County!

Then there are these two boys and they are busy, loud and seemingly have an endless supply of energy, which causes them to run circles around me as I get older and a little less agile.  I have no idea how I might continue to keep up with them as I continue to get older. I better start a serious weight training, exercise regime very soon.

I find myself spending every moment of every day cleaning, cooking, cleaning some more, helping children with every single little thing they either can’t do or just to “carefree” to do. I am trying to maintain friendships and can’t seem to find the time to even do that. A phone call…yeah right, not unless it’s during my 30 minute drive to or from work when I might actually be able to hear you and have a meaningful conversation. Forgive me if I’ve ever called you and just unloaded all that’s going on in MY life only to forego what might be going on in yours because…well….I only had 30 minutes to even talk on the phone and I HAD to tell someone about the craziness that is my day-to-day life. I promise on my next 30 minute drive I would LOVE to hear about your craziness. I am unsure how to help others when I feel I cannot even help myself at the moment. I wish I could come up with some magic manual to help parents of large families to feel like they don’t need to rip their hair out of their head and to let go of the frustrations that are sure to come.

Please don’t get me wrong there are many moments that bring smiles and joy and happiness also. There are many rewards all though some days they are few and far in between. The greatest reward for me has always been that I am serving God and I am humbled to do so. It keeps my head up and keeps me from Thelma and Louise’ing it on the days that bring ulcers and tears.

I always wondered what I would do with my life when I grew up. I can answer now…I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a cousin, a niece, an auntie, a Human Resource Director, a nurse, a boo-boo fixer, a hugger, a taxi cab driver, a dog trainer, a maid, a lawyer, a secretary, a teacher, a trainer, a chef, a…well I could fill the rest of the page with this list but you get it.

This is a small insight into the very private corners of my brain. Anyone can share and make life seem “just dandy” but many days it is not. Many days it is hard, it is challenging and it brings me to my knees in tears. I fail daily, I succeed sometimes, I make mistake after mistake after mistake and I try to keep learning. I am not sure that it will ever change.

On a daily basis my range of emotions includes, grief, happiness, joy, fear, love, sad, angry, hurt, embarrassed, proud, hopeful, compassionate, empathetic, despair. This likely doesn’t even cover it all but it’s a good start.

I hope that I am not the only woman that feels this way, I hope that this isn’t completely off –the-wall but then again I guess I don’t worry too much that I am because we are all unique and this is a tad bit of my unique mind and heart.

I wish it could all be glorious, all the time but this is the truth of it all. I try not to worry too much because I know at the end of they day that all of this is a blessing in some way or another and it is part of my life’s plan. I just wish God didn’t trust me so much some times. 

Random Thoughts From the Deep Blue Yonder

I have been so busy that I haven't been able to find a minute to write anything other than documents at work and math and science problems with my fifth and third graders. It's amazing how I feel this twinge to just write after so long and write anything...
So I've decided that today is the day for my random thoughts that have been swirling through my head over the past months.

1. I love coffee on Saturday mornings with my husband.
2. I love watching my kids dance.
3. I am tired alot and losing my hair so I think I better check my thyroid.
4. I think I better try eating better and excercising so maybe I won't lose my hair and feel sleepy all the time.
5. I am rather bitter about seeing so much pink when I really wish their was much more gold. Children get cancer and die too.
6. I am suddenly nervous to talk in front of large groups.
7. I'm kind of a loner and I like it.
8. I wish I was a better friend and that it could be as easy for me as it seems for others.
9. I don't NEED money but it sure makes life easier so I play the lottery.
10. I pray A LOT! I should be more thankful rather than always asking.
11. I hate texting.
12. I hate talking on the phone until I actually am talking on the phone with someone and then I don't mind so much.
13. I love my sister and brother like crazy.
14. I wonder what Maryah's wedding would have been like?
15. I wonder what life would be like today if she never died?
16. Every year I think I will be more organized and do something better next year but that never seems to happen.
17. Sometimes I think I let my brain get lazy and my body keeps following.
18. Boys are gross.
19. Boys are gross. (It deserves two lines)
20. My husband is seriously talented in SO many areas. I'm a little jealous.
21. I know how to change brake pads, a thermal couple on a water heater and how to light a pilot light amongst other household duties because of my Dad. I am grateful he has taught me useful things.
22. I really dislike most all sports, particularly watching them on TV.
23. They really don't consider dancing a sport for college purposes?
24. My kids think I am a maid and most days I feel totally under appreciated.
25. I love my kids madly even when they don't appreciate how easy life is for them.
26. I wonder if I will live to be old? If I do I hope I don't know what's going on.
27. Soon, all of my grandparents will be gone. Dementia is a horrible disease.
28. Cancer is worse.
29. I love all things fall.
30. I wish that some friendships wouldn't have to turn awkward.
31. I really dislike meetings.
32. I would love to get married to Dan all over again.
33. I wish there was time for Dan and I to go on dates once a week so we never forget why we started dating to begin with.
34. Getting old is hell
35. I can hardly believe 36 is only a couple of weeks away, officially closer to forty now. LOL. Love it.
36. I'm not as close to 40 as some. LMAO. Love it more!
37. I am grateful for all of my nieces and nephews and our close relationships.
38. I wish I was either short enough for petite pants or tall enough for average pants because I'm right in between and it sucks.
39. I wish I could kill at playing piano. Why did I ever stop taking lessons?
40. Life is too short and somedays it all feels much too long.

This is really all of the craziness I have to offer for now but I am sure I will post a "real" post soon.

Baked Ravioli (from the Kitchen of Ann K)

Baked Ravioli

What you need:
1         9x13 pan
1         package of rosetta ravioli (any flavor you like)
1         20 oz jar of spaghetti sauce
1         (medium size) tub of cottage cheese
1         4 cup bag of mozzarella shredded cheese

Cook the ravioli in as directed. drain
Spread 1/4 cup (or eyeball it) of spaghetti sauce on the bottom of the pan
Spread a layer of ravioli
Then a layer of cottage cheese
Then the mozzarella
Then repeat until all ingredients are used.

Bake for 30 minutes at 350.  (isn't everything baked at 350?)

Serve with a Caesar salad and I pick up the Texas Toast with 4 cheeses.

Parenthood (part 1 of 1 billion)

Yesterday at the dinner table I found myself a little overwhelmed. This happens sometimes when I allow myself to really think about the day-to-day responsibilities that Dan and I have as parents.

When I began this journey into motherhood I realized that I wanted my child (then just one) to feel that they really had no worries other than doing well in school, getting homework done, picking out what to wear and some fun activities that would keep them moving and healthy and overall just being a kid. This meant that I would be responsible for laundry, cleaning, planning and cooking healthy/balanced meals, cleaning up after meals, making and keeping appointments, driving all over God's creation to bring them to appointments and activities most every day of the week. Parenting also includes the opportunity to hang out with the kids for family time to help teach them that it's actually ok and pretty fun to hang out with your family. So...we dedicate every waking minute of our days to the kids and somewhere in between we find time to work so we can pay the bills and sleep.

Recently I have been having a mental block when it comes to menu planning which then makes cooking far less fun for me. If I don't have a plan for dinner than my day gets a little chaotic. A menu allows me to plan what to thaw, cook ahead and what I need to do immediately when I get home from work to get things going so we eat at a reasonable hour. I know it sounds like strategic planning for special ops and maybe I am feeling a little dramatic about it all but...again, feeling a little overwhelmed. I have one child who wants to eat nothing but fried, fast, fat filled and preservative filled foods. I can't seem to change this no matter how hard I try. I have consulted nutritionists, pediatricians and the like. I know all about the division of responsibility when it comes to providing the healthy/balanced foods and let her making her own choices but hey, what the heck do you do when she chooses NOTHING and just simply won't eat? I figure...well, she'll be starving and she'll have to eat but noooooo...she won't eat anything unless it's a quick and easy night and we're having take-and-bake pizza or if there is bread with dinner or some fruits.
It gets hard to keep "sneaking" veggies into things when she won't even eat the things I "sneak" them into.

This is the part that has gotten me overwhelmed as a parent. We work hard to make sure that our children have no worries and that they simply have to do a few weekly chores and occasionally feed/water the dog and let her outside after she has been whining at the door for awhile. We sit to the table after I have spent a LOT of time on dinner only to have one (or three) children push their food around on their plate and eat nothing only to ask for something else. Now, I will not prepare a second meal for these children, they now have a choice between yogurt, fruit or a bowl of cereal that they must get themselves. Am I the only person who is going crazy because of this behavior?

I feel like such a horrible mom when I get overwhelmed and wonder what is wrong with me that I can't do it all and do it all with a smile on my face all the time?

I realize that having all of these children wasn't supposed to be easy and if my mother were alive she would tell me "Rachel, no one ever promised you fair!" These things ring through my mind regularly but  I sure wish it felt a little easier some days, not that I want someone to do it for me but rather I just want it to come a little easier for me all the time!

As I sit here and take time to do one thing that makes me happy (blogging) that takes time away from the family I have one child behind me hurrying me a long so she can check her e-mail. Ugh! I guess some day I'll figure it all out and by then they will all be moved out and have children of their own (THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS!!!!!!!).

So onward towards another day of motherhood! Tonight I am making pigs in a blanket with tater tots so EVERYONE will eat. YUCK! I'll throw a salad and some fruit in to make me happy!

Happy parenting!