The Time Has Come

Let me begin by stating the obvious, I am not a blogger! I use this as my outlet to write when I am feeling like I want to write but it is not a priority. I have such respect for people who blog on a regular basis or do any sort of writing on a regular basis. While I love to write I just can't find the time nor the motivation to put words to paper (or internet).

Moving on, I am writing this morning because I have finally realized that the time has come, maybe it has been here but I am just now realizing it.
I have arrived at the time where it has become uncomfortable for some to hear about Maryah's passing. I meet new people every day at work, there are new employees regularly and they don't know my story and with a slight mention of Maryah you can see them physically become uncomfortable.
This has even occurred with people I have known for what seems forever. People "defriending" on FB, avoid communicating directly with me and just plain don't know how to respond any longer. Grief is such an uncomfortable thing to have go on for such a long period of time. The only problem is it feels like the grief just began a moment or two ago. The grief will go with me to the grave and while I wish it would ease up, it hasn't. Although the waves of deep sadness come a little farther apart they are just as deep and painful as they were the moment I lost Maryah.
Now, let me state a disclaimer that I should have likely put out there to begin with. There is NO BLAME in this post, just observation and wonder on my behalf.  I do not expect anyone to continue grieving with our family as deeply at this point. Good intentions, kindness and compassion, love and nurturing came when it was most needed most through Maryah's illness and after her passing. For everything there is a season. The kindness shown will never be forgotten or taken for granted. My observation is just that I am unsure how to go about the  grieving process at this point. The time has come for me to make decisions about how, when, where and with whom I grieve and it is another milestone in this long process.
I will never please everyone with my talk of Jesus and how I praise God for so much in my life. I will likely make someone roll their eyes when I offer praise for what a great man I think my husband is. I am sure when I gush about my genuine appreciation for my family and friends there are many out in cyber world that are gagging over it all and that is just fine. I am willing to take the "hit".  I am just sitting in wonder today about how long it has been before now that it became uncomfortable for others.
I still have Maryah's FB page in place! Why? I have NO idea, there is no reason to continue other than for a reminder and a place to leave her an occasional message. It took me six months to turn her cell phone off. I was paying for a phone that sat turned off just so I could call and listen to the voice mail.
There is no logic in all of this. There is no making sense of it. It is just this ugly and yet beautiful thing called grief. I do not believe my grief is worse or better than someone who lost a parent, a grandparent, a best friend, a spouse, I just think it is awful all the way around. I think it is unnatural that a parent should bury their child at any age. I think it is something I never wish for anyone I know to feel.
That is the part that concerns me, it is my grief, it is going to be with me forever, do I really need for everyone around me to feel it for that long?
The time has come and it is not easy to make decisions about my grief. The time has come and I have realized that grief has just tagged along and been an unwelcome companion on the road of life. I didn't have to do much with it because it just hung around and occasionally I fed it and soothed it a bit. Now, the time has come for me to have to DO something with it and that seems like a lot of work. It is all a bit overwhelming. Grief is heavy and it is cumbersome and it feels like loading and unloading bricks all day long but you aren't building anything beautiful, you are just loading and unloading to move these heavy things around so they aren't in your way. The time has come and I hope that doing something today, making some decisions about my grief, help take away some of the burden so we can get back to a place where it is just my side-kick until the time comes again when I realize a change is necessary.